LOCO-IN-MOTION
irst off, I am not fluent in British
idioms and slang. But to go
along with this month’s theme,
perhaps we can have some fun
with the mother tongue from
the mother country herself.
So, here goes: What would the Brits say
about Congress and Uber?
To be honest, people should now be
‘knackered’ by this tempest in a teapot that is
the Uber controversy. That is, as defined by the
‘John Thomases’ in the DOTC and the ‘knobs’
in the LTFRB, those online-enabled transport
services, aka Transportation Network
Companies (TNCs) and Transportation
Network Vehicle Services (TNVS).
Just when the LTFRB issued memorandum
circulars to make the operations of Uber,
GrabTaxi and Easy Taxi legal, here are some
‘twig and berries’ in Congress calling for a
suspension in the implementation of the
circulars while they ‘have a butchers’ at it. Many
people on social media got all ‘barmy’ over the
actions of these ‘blinkered’ twits. They say it
would be the ‘dog’s bollocks’ if some members
of Congress would be treated ‘at Her Majesty’s
pleasure’ and get ‘buggered’ there.
To be sure, with elections next year, the
timing of the House inquiries makes one
conjecture that perhaps some of our elected
‘ponces’ in Congress have gotten ‘bungs’ from
those opposed to TNCs or looking to get offered
the same to espouse the cause of some TNVS.
They should be kicked in the ‘goolies.’
Who else needs their ‘bollocks’ stomped on?
Those ‘wankers’ at the LTO who thought up the
‘no registration, no travel policy.’ Did they think
people are a bit of a ‘mug’ to believe that ‘porkie’
that they have enough license plates for all
cars newly registered? They are ‘flogging’ some
‘biggie’ when accusing car dealers of causing
the ‘cock-up’ in the delay with the issuance of
license plates.
‘Cheeky’ members of social media have been
posting stuff saying all that’s ‘ace’ about the
newfangled license plates is really ‘codswallop.’
Like the tamper-proof screws that don’t fit
some vehicles, the plates that bend in one slog
through flood, the unreadable barcodes. Are we
all being ‘diddled’ by the LTO and its license-
plate contractor?
‘Aye’ and ‘absobloodylutely.’
Traffic in Metro Manila is all ‘shambolic,’
and all because the government is all ‘sixes and
sevens.’ And some of it is because of DPWH
contractors who are good at ‘skiving.’ They
get contracts not through proper bids, but by
‘seeing a man about a dog.’
Then there are the MMDA constables who
are either ‘gormless’ or ‘shirty.’ The former are
harmless but not helpful, either; the latter will
extort you while being arrogant about it. Some
people get ‘collywobbles’ driving in Makati
because of shirty constables out to ‘wangle’ a
‘bung.’ The best way to face off is to not be a
‘nancy’ boy and to be shirty yourself.
Now, we all know that if you fancy some
‘strawberry creams’ and ‘fanny,’ it helps if you
have nice ‘fit’ automobile. Doesn’t really work
all the time, but it’s great if you’re feeling ‘fruity.’
But be advised not go out on ‘benders’ to ‘pull’
the girls. For one, drinking and driving don’t
mix. And now it goes against the law of the land.
And it’s dangerous.
Authorities seem not to find implementing
that ‘bee’s knees’ of a piece of legislation a
‘doddle,’ maybe because they are either just
forever ‘dropping a clanger’ or making a ‘dog’s
dinner’ of it. No budget for the equipment
necessary to get ‘shit-faced’ drivers off the
streets. But many suspect that someone,
somewhere, is messing up the work just to get
a bung. And these people should be made to do
some ‘porridge.’
It’s not quite ‘hunky-dory’ in the land where
people drive on the wrong side of the road, a
Brit would say. And where authorities seem to
love to ‘waffle,’ motorists love to ‘whinge’ about
authorities just waffling and looking for bungs,
and all the while being ‘duffers’ on the road. And
that’s just ‘wonky.’
(TRANSLATION: knackered – tired; John
Thomas – penis; knob – see John Thomas;
twig and berries – see knob; had a butchers
- looked at something or someone; barmy
- crazy; blinkered – narrow-minded; dog’s
bollocks – really fantastic; at Her Majesty’s
pleasure – to be put in prison; ponce – poser;
goolies – balls; bollocks – see goolies; wanker
- jerk or someone who masturbates; mug –
someone gullible; porkie – lie; flogging – selling
something; biggie – big piece of shit; cock-up
- mistake; cheeky – smart-ass; ace – awesome;
codswallop – baloney; diddle – rip someone off;
absobloodylutely – yes; shambolic – chaotic;
sixes and sevens – mess; skiving – evading
something; see a man about a dog – do a deal
or take a dump; gormless – clueless; shirty
- bad-tempered; collywobbles – extreme
queasiness or stomach pain brought on by
stress, nervousness or anxiety; wangle – to get
something by cleverness or deceit; bung – bribe;
nancy – opposite of hard; strawberry creams –
women’s breasts; fanny – vagina; fit – good-
looking; fruity – feeling frisky; bender – heavy
drinking session; pull – look for women; bee’s
knees – fabulous; doddle – sure thing; drop a
clanger – make a mistake; dog’s dinner – mess;
shit-faced – drunk; porridge – do time in prison;
hunky-dory – cool; waffle – talk on and on;
whinge – whine; duffer – useless person; wonky
- unstable. Sources: grammar.dictionary.com;
effingpot.com)
ErlE SEbaStian
The BriT way
we wonder what the brits would
say if they experience the chaotic
motoring life in the philippines
Car CULTUre
F
‘who eLse needs
Their BoLLoCks
sTomped on? Those
wankers aT The LTo’
38 top gear philippines WWW.topgear.com.ph