I have two very strong opinions on this,
and I know the first won’t be popular. I am
going to defend your boyfriend. And I’m
also going to insist that you inform him of
Domino’s Two for Tuesday (buy one get
one free on medium and large pizzas).
If he’s ordering three a week, he might as
well get one of those on the house. And
it’s nice cold, anyway. Preferably in a sand-
wich, or my ex housemate used to fry left-
over slices in butter.
If your boyfriend is happy with the way
he eats and lives, I don’t think you have a right to tell
him to change. While I think it is great that you have
found a routine that works for your body, you cannot
push those habits onto other people. Everyone is built
differently. Metabolisms and appetites and circadian
rhythms are varied, and while the thought of eating
doughnuts for breakfast might make you imagine
discomfort and poor health, that might not be the case
for him. Or maybe it is the case for him, but he doesn’t
mind because the pleasure of eating a doughnut for
breakfast is worth any sluggishness. If he’s regularly
making these choices and not complaining about how
he feels subsequently, it seems like he knows himself
well enough to know it works for him.
Maybe he does complain about it, which I can imagine
is frustrating for you. But even so I still don’t think the
right way to deal with it is to tell him to change. People
who are imprisoned in cycles of shame don’t need to be
given a list of do’s and don’ts, they need to talk. And they
need a kind and nonjudgmental person to help them
work out why they make decisions that ultimately lead to
unhappiness and therefore self-sabotage.
I understand why you might find it unattractive —
you have been brought up to equate restraint with good
health or possibly even goodness. It feels like you believe
that exercise and calorie-controlled eating denotes
self-respect. You are right that self-respect is sexy, but Alexandra Cameronmeasuring it with nutritional intake is
quite a limited view. This man’s diet
and lifestyle may feel to you like it is slov-
enly and immature, but what is more
important is whether he is slovenly and
immature. Is he a good partner, friend,
worker, family member and citizen? Does
he have an enthusiasm for life and an
understanding of who he is and his own
values? Can he look after himself and look
out for the people he loves? If the answer
to all the above is yes, I really don’t think
what he eats means anything more than what he eats.
My second strong opinion is this: you do not have to be
with him if his lifestyle doesn’t work for you and your
lifestyle. That’s completely OK. This may not have been
something you ever anticipated as being a deal-breaker in
love, but maybe it turns out that it is a deal-breaker.
We only learn what is important to us in relationships
by being in relationships. And your question of whether
or not it’s enough of a reason to warrant a break-up is
too subjective for me to answer. We are all irritated,
saddened or, dare I say, “triggered” by different things.
I could never be with someone who is angry and shouty,
or snobby about Wagamama, or who records long videos
on their phone during a gig. That’s just me. For some
people drinking three cans of Coke a day wouldn’t be
something they’d even notice in a partner. But then they
probably have other personal deal-breakers that might be
things that wouldn’t bother you at all.
When we merge lives with another person, it’s
normal to merge lifestyles too. So it’s definitely worth
inviting him in on the routines that make you happiest,
whether it’s long walks or running in the park or
cooking meals together. But if he really doesn’t enjoy
those activities, don’t force them on him. If you can
only see a future where he continues to live in a way you
find unattractive and you grow increasingly resentful of
him, it’s best you end it. For both of you. ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleI have finally met a brilliant man. He is funny, kind, caring and ambitious, and we have been
dating for about four months. The only problem is that he lives a far unhealthier lifestyle
than me. He drinks fizzy drinks — at least three cans of Coke a day — and frequently eats
chocolates and doughnuts for breakfast. He once had three Domino’s pizzas in a week.
He doesn’t do any exercise and doesn’t feel it is necessary when I gently suggest the idea
of running or going to the gym. I was brought up in a really healthy household and when
I was child I was not allowed any sweets or junk food. As a result I make a conscious effort to
follow a healthy lifestyle, eat lots of fruit and vegetables and exercise regularly. Luckily he is
not overweight and still has a slim physique, but I find his diet and habits really unattractive.
Is this a reason to break up? Or can I change his unhealthy habits in time?50 • The Sunday Times Style*