TANTRIC BUDDHISM (INCLUDING CHINA AND JAPAN)give them and I wondered why. As I stood there, discomforted, the
Yogi placed his hand on the pig's head and recited the refuge formula
and prayers: "Now, Chos-skyid, your death has come. Don't be
attached to your boy or to your wealth and food, but meditate on the
particulars of your mind. Say, 'May the white A and the white drop
Warn come into my heart! May I be together with Buddha Amitabha in
Sukhavati.' May we both go there!" As soon as he said this, I thought,
"But I'm not dead! My body is just as it was before. After the lama
says these things, I'll go." But since I was afraid of the pig, I was
unable to go past it. The lama said, "Phat!" and I became happy and
blissful. The lama said, "The transference is done. Body and mind are
separate." Then they made tea and food and invited people in. They
gave me nothing. The Yogi said, "Girl! Bring your mother some
food"!' and my daughter put some porridge on a plate along with a bit
of meat, and, together with a cup of tea, placed it near the pig and said,
"Mother! Please eat!" I thought, she didn't give it to me but put it near
the pig's corpse, and I felt nauseated and despaired at what my daugh-
ter had done.
I felt hungry and thirsty, but I endured it. The Yogi said some
mantras, such as the MaQ.i, and burnt bits of my portion of food in the
fire. I smelt it and received a vision of eating and drinking, and my
hunger and thirst were pacified. The lamas and teachers were complet-
ing the altar arrangements and they performed the rites. The monks and
Thugs-rje Rinpoche sat in meditation. I was angry at all of them. They
didn't give me my share of food. The suffering of my mind and body
was boundless. My mind, not having a body to stay in, was wafted like
a feather in the wind, moving to and fro. Now I thought about what I
should do. I thought I had to take my jewels and wander around the
country. All my children were saying 'mother' and weeping. Again a
hail of pus and blood fell, and I had immeasurable suffering. When
they ceased, so did the hail. Further, without my seeing the source,
there was a sound. My body felt heavy and sapped of strength, and my
mind felt nervous and confused. Thinking what was best for me to do, I
stood in front of the mantrist. I thought, "He is a Bka'-gdams-pa monk.
I don't know if he'll let a lay-woman be in his presence," and I hid
behind him. I felt better listening to him recite the rites, but it was
unable to calm my fears. Thinking what was best for me to do, I went
before the Yogi. He had not a defilement on him, inside and out, and I
found myself in the presence of an image of the four-handed
Avalokitesvara. He said, "What a pity!" Thugs-rje Rinpoche was medi-
tating on emptiness, like a rainbow, and there was no difference
between him and me. The confusion of my mind became calm and I
felt immeasurable joy.
Then after a while I recove ·P.d my senses. The others were eating.