like the only one disciplining the kids. Interestingly, Emma’s mother
said something similar, that she felt like she was parenting all alone.
From the list of hurtful habits and behaviors—the things they wanted
to stop doing—we built a short list of things they agreed to start doing:
- Instead of blaming others, take responsibility for your own
actions and speech. Before you say or do something, ask, Is it
kind? Is it important? Does it help? - Use teamwork to reach common goals. If the house needs
cleaning, each member of the family has an age-appropriate
job. If the family is going out to a movie, choose together
which movie to see, or take turns getting to choose. ink of
the family as a car where all the wheels are integrated and
work together to move where it needs to go—no one wheel
takes control, no one wheel bears all the weight. - Be consistent. If curfew has already been established, the rule
can’t change at the last minute.
In general, Emma’s family’s constitution was about giving up the
need to control someone else.
I treated Emma for two years. In that time she completed the out-
patient program at the eating disorder clinic. She stopped playing
soccer—something her father had forced her into when she started
middle school—and went back to ballet class (and then on to more
dance classes: belly dancing, salsa). e creative expression, the
pleasure she took in moving to the music and rhythm, led to an
enjoyment of her body, which gave her a healthier self-image. Near
the end of our time together, when she was sixteen, she met a boy in
school and fell in love, and this relationship gave her another
motivation to live and to be healthy. By the time she stopped working
with me, her body had ĕlled out and her hair was thick and shining.