positive thinking—but change and freedom also require
positive action. Anything we practice, we become better at. If
we practice anger, we’ll have more anger. If we practice fear,
we’ll have more fear. In many cases, we actually work very
hard to ensure that we go nowhere. Change is about noticing
what’s no longer working and stepping out of the familiar,
imprisoning patterns.
4 . When? In Gone with the Wind, my mother’s favorite book,
Scarlett O’Hara, when confronted with a difficulty, says, “I’ll
think about it tomorrow. ... Aer all, tomorrow is another
day.” If we are to evolve instead of revolve, it’s time to take
action now.Ling and Jun ĕnished their responses to the questions, folded up
their papers, handed them to me. We would look at them together the
following week. As they got up to leave, Jun shook my hand. And
then, walking out the door, I saw the reassurance I needed that they
were willing to try to bridge the distance they had let damage their
marriage, to get off the seesaw of blame. Ling turned back to Jun and
gave him a hesitant smile. I couldn’t see if he returned it—his back was
to me—but I did see him gently pat her shoulder.
When we met the following week, Ling and Jun discovered
something they wouldn’t have predicted. In response to the question
“What do you want?” they had each written the same thing: a happy
marriage. Just speaking this desire, they were already on their way to
having what they wanted. All they needed was some new tools.
I asked Ling to work on changing her behavior in the moments
aer Jun got home each day. is was the time when she usually felt
most angry and vulnerable and frightened. Would he be drunk? How
drunk would he be? How drunk would he get? Was there any
possibility of closeness between them, or would it be another evening