The Choice

Because she had been referred to me by another psychologist—a
dear friend of mine, the same person who had encouraged Beatrice to
come hear me speak—I already knew some of Beatrice’s history. When
did your childhood end? I oen ask my patients. Beatrice’s childhood
had ended almost as soon as it began. Her parents had been extremely
neglectful of her and her siblings, sending them to school unwashed
and unfed. e nuns at Beatrice’s school spoke sharply to her and
blamed her for her unkempt appearance, scolding her to clean up and
eat breakfast before she came to school. Beatrice internalized the
message that her parents’ neglect was her fault.
en, when she was eight, one of her parents’ friends began
molesting her. e molestations continued, though she tried to resist.
She also tried to tell her parents what was happening, but they accused
her of making it up. On her tenth birthday, her parents let their friend,
who by then had been touching her inappropriately for two years, take
her on a “date” to the movies. Aer the movie he took her to his home
and raped her in the shower. When Beatrice began her treatment with
me, at age thirty-five, the smell of popcorn still triggered flashbacks.
At age eighteen Beatrice had married a recovering addict who was
emotionally and physically cruel to her. She had escaped her family
drama only to reenact it, reinforcing her belief that being loved meant
being hurt. Beatrice was eventually able to divorce her husband and
had been ĕnding a way forward in her life, with a new career and a
new relationship, when she was raped on a trip to Mexico. She came
home devastated.
At the insistence of her girlfriend, Beatrice began therapy with my
colleague. She was ridden with anxiety and phobias and could hardly
get out of bed. She felt a constant heavy, oppressive dread, and lived
on high alert, afraid to leave her house for fear of being assaulted
again, and afraid of the smells and associations that triggered
debilitating flashbacks.