Soren Kierkegaard

with Regine. Thus, he was far from being the “villain” people thought him
to be, “because in truth it was certainly....”Certainlywhat?
We never find out. The manuscript continues with a few indecipherable
words which soon peter out into nothing, because Kierkegaard removed
pages 52–53 from his journal. Presumabl yhe had written something too
intimate and—afterwards—had therefore quite cooll ydecided to cut off
posterity’s access to the important details. The text resumes abruptly at the
top of the next page in the journal: “It would certainl yhave happened. But
in a marriage everything is not sold in the condition ‘as is’ at the fall of the
auctioneer’s hammer. In a marriage what matters is being a bit honest about
the past. And here, too, m ychivalr yis clear. Had I not honored her, as m y
future wife, more than I honored myself; had I not been more zealous for
her honor than for m yown; then I would have held m ytongue and fulfilled
her wish and mine, and I would have permitted myself to marry her. There
are so man ymarriages which conceal little tales. I did not want this to be
the case with me, for then she would have become m yconcubine. I would
rather have murdered her.”
Then the retracted text continues, giving Kierkegaard’s explanation,
which (perhaps) is also the explanation of wh yhe wanted to obliterate his
confidential words from the paper: “But [had] I explained myself, I would
have had to initiate her into the most frightful things, into m yrelationship
with Father, his melancholia, the eternal night that broods deep within, my
going astray, my lusts and excesses—which, however, are perhaps not so
terrible in God’s eyes, because, after all, it was anxiety that caused me to go
astray. And where could I seek shelter when I knew or suspected that the
onl yman I had admired for his strength and power wavered?”
The relationship to Regine was incompatible with the relationship to his
father, who long after his death was still capable of warping his son’s eros
and hindering his abilit yto give of himself. Kierkegaard could not explain
this to Regine: She did not possess an ybasis for understanding it, and he
himself lacked the requisite courage, strength, or faith. This was what he
had come to realize in his hotel room in Berlin. Immediatel yfollowing the
retracted text he appears to la yout some principal features of this insight:
“Thus faith hopes for this life as well—but it does so b yvirtue of the absurd,
of course, not b yvirtue of human understanding; otherwise it would be
onl ycommon sense, not faith.” Several entries later, this position is rein-
forced: “It is precisel yin the little things that it is important that one be able
to have faith in God, for otherwise one is not in a proper relation to him....
Thus it is also important to bring God into the realit yof this world, where
he of course is in an ycase. So when Paul was on the boat that was about