Soren Kierkegaard

catching initial letters....Some letters in red type (as in old books), others
in green or blue, et cetera.” The result is a success and is immediately re-
viewed by the critics: “A book has recently come off the presses that would
even create a sensation in Paris.The cover looks like this. There is a genuine gilt
garland along the edge, and in each corner there is a gold-tooled emblem,
something like that on a lady’s handkerchief. In the center there is an in-
credibly expensive bouquet in the same style as those on genuine Persian
shawls. The bouquet is encircled by the title, printed with a matte finish....
It would be too much to go into the details of this remarkable piece of writing or to
go through it page b ypage; we will therefore only direct attention to the
absolutely peerless ‘A’ with which page 17 begins.”
A.B.C.D.E.F. Goodhope knows very well that a pretty exterior cannot
do the job by itself, so he hurls himself into a hectic advertising campaign
directed at potentially interested subscribers. When fifty such subscribers
have signed up, he will offer them a free “shave” and will devote certain
hours of every day to “brushing off clothes, running errands, and other
personal services,” also including “boot polishing.” And as soon as signs of
“improvement and conversion” are detected among his readers, the editors
will reward them by “delivering one-third more per day of the lewd novel
we are already delivering.” If having moral standards is a good thing, having
a double moral standard is twice as good. In addition, A.B.C.D.E.F. Good-
hope can guarantee his politically correct readers in writing that he will
“keep watch with the greatest of seriousness over the mode of dress here
in the city... and will emphatically protest if anyone, by varying a bow or
a button, or by the lack of a button on her frock, is deemed to have failed
to demonstrate proper respect.” Similarly, he will “produce a list each week
showing how many courses of food every family serves at their ordinary
dinners and how often every family hosts a dinner party.” This will surely
induce people to subscribe, and when there are two thousand on the list of
subscribers, “there will be a Christmas tree with proper prizes for the sub-
scribers as well as for their wives and children.” When there are three thou-
sand subscribers, there will be a “New Year’s present” for the adults and
“pfeffernu ̈sse” for the children. What will happen when even more thou-
sands sign up remains unclear, but if “the number of subscribers should
reach twenty thousand, then I intend to purchase Tivoli so that from then
on admission to Tivoli would besolelyandabsolutel yexclusivel ylimited to
my subscribers.” Marketing is a good thing and the optimist A.B.C.D.E.F.
Goodhope is no stranger to it; he knows a ploy that works well: “If you
merely say that you have many subscribers and continue to say it, you get
many subscribers....Andthus if it says in the newspaper every blessed day
that I have one thousand subscribers, I will get one thousand subscribers.”