4 February 13, 2022The Sunday Times
Home
Embassy Gardens
development, home to the
famous Sky Pool!”
“Deceptively spacious”
should be reserved solely for
bona fide Tardis-like spaces.
Regular brochure faux pas
include using “master”
bedroom suite instead of
principal or main, and
reference to plantation
shutters — colonial
connotations are a no.
Simplicity is key; overly
long sentences can confuse
potential buyers. “This
resplendent grade II listed
detached residence, dated
1709 on the east gable, is the
epitome of charm, arising
from the handmade brick and
stone quoins to the array of
exposed oak ceiling and wall
beams which can be found
throughout the elegantly
presented rooms.”
Last month a description
of a “super-quirky and
individually designed” one-
bedroom house in Sheffield
(on the market for £185,000)
went viral after boasting about
a “private compact courtyard
garden” when the reality was
a claustrophobic 3ft by 3ft
patch of decking — about the
size of a shower cubicle.
Oversell less-than-impressive
features at your peril.
Victoria Brzezinskibeams do all the talking, the
interior palette is neutral and
yet full of character.”
Pet hates include: a studio
being described as a suite;
guide price (surely any price
is a guide); calling a home
cinema a media room (I don’t
care if it does have both a
big television and a hi-fi in it)
and calling a flat a sub-
penthouse (it’s not a
penthouse if it’s not on the
top floor). Take a £3.95 million
flat in Nine Elms, southwest
London, which has been on
the market since June last
year, as an example: “Rarely
available, a fantastic
opportunity to acquire this
stunning three-bedroom sub-
penthouse apartment located
in the highly desirablecottage is located in the
Sydenham Hill conservation
area and offers tranquil
living in an oasis on the
outskirts of Dulwich.”
The description of a “truly
special” three-bedroom house
in Warwickshire on sale for
£800,000 comes across in a
style worthy of Mills & Boon:
“Set in the countryside, just a
stone’s throw from Kenilworth
and Coventry in either
direction, here you amble up
the shared driveway to a
serene and warm welcome
across the threshold, where
the most delicate of design
touches has reinvented this
former barn into a beautiful
home.” Upstairs, “the
immaculate renovation of this
barn really sings; letting theWhere else would you read “in
all honesty, no photos could
ever do it full justice, so
internal inspection is an
absolute must” or the fake-
fancy “luxurious walk-in
condition” and expect
purchasers to pay hundreds
of thousands of pounds?
Almost every home for sale
seems to “occupy a highly
desirable location” or a “very
sought-after village location”
but can you guess where you’d
find a “popular semi-rural
hamlet”? A £2 million
property on sale in a
“secluded cul-de-sac” in
southeast London is described
as follows: “Sensationally
situated in what resembles its
own private micro-hamlet,
this enchanting GeorgianHOW TO SPEAK
ESTATE
AGENT
An ever-evolving world of
euphemisms, clichés and cringe
Occupying a
generous corner
plot nestled in a
cul-de-sac, this
exquisite property
is truly to die for
T
here’s only one
world where you’ll
find houses
boasting en suite
bathrooms and a
boring suburb being described
as a “most enviable and
tranquil residential location”.
Estate agentese is a language
all of its own.
Take this high-octane
description of a £730,000
house in Staffordshire as an
example of what not to do.
“ATTRACTIVE COUNTRY
FARM HOUSE of stone
construction set in an area of
OUTSTANDING NATURAL
BEAUTY with INTOXICATING
AND UNINTERRUPTED
PANORMAIC [sic] VIEWS.”
And another dangerously
overblown listing in Leeds: “BEPREPARED TO BE `WOWED`
BY THIS MAGNIFICENT
THREE STOREY DETACHED
FAMILY HOME OCCUPYING
A GENEROUS CORNER
PLOT, NESTLED WITHIN A
QUIET CUL DE SAC THIS
EXQUISITE PROPERTY IS
TRULY TO DIE FOR.”
It’s true that extolling the
virtues of a run-of-the-mill
Seventies semi can be tricky
when its most exciting features
include “wall-to-wall
carpeting” and a “breathtaking
brick fireplace”. Overused
clichés — iconic, unique,
stunning, unparalleled — can
leave potential buyers
cringing, as can using five
words when one will do.
OTT descriptors run rife
on the property portals.