The Sunday Times - UK (2022-02-13

partner but is free to explore more widely. “We talked about it

for three years before doing anything. But when we did we got

married again, as in we rewrote a contract between us. And

what’s really nice about it is that if you read our original wedding

vows, none of what we do now contradicts them because we

never said monogamy in our wedding vows. We just said love.”

Whether you’re currently questioning monogamy or simply

starting out in a relationship with someone new and trying to

reach a mutual understanding of the parameters, it’s worth

asking a few questions of yourself and each other. For instance,

is a long-term emotional connection important to you?

Likewise a sexual connection? Do you yearn for novelty —

sexual, romantic or both? Do you primarily enjoy the rush of

energy that accompanies new relationships? Do you find that,

with time, sex becomes routine, even boring? It’s useful to

compare answers. For some people this can be scary. After all,

there’s always the possibility that we’ll discover that what our

lover wants isn’t what we want. But chances are we’ll find that

out sooner or later anyway.

The sorts of agreements (as opposed to rules) that people

practising consensual non-monogamy typically make generally

get pared down to things like “use good judgment”, “practise

safe sex”, “communicate”, “no surprises”, “be kind”. Part of the

rationale behind opening relationships is being open to change

and growth: negotiation is a constant because when one no

longer feels an existing agreement fits then everyone involved

needs to find a new equilibrium.

Among those I interviewed, one of the most common styles

of consensual non-monogamy was relationship anarchy.

Relationship anarchy doesn’t have fixed rules. It’s anarchy, innit.

Instead, each relationship between people should find its own

level of value and importance based on what the people in it

want. It embraces the unpredictable and the spontaneous and

encourages us to wish it for those we love. But the key principle

is that romantic relationships shouldn’t necessarily be

prioritised over non-romantic ones.

Relationship anarchy also believes an intimate relationship

between two people does not give either person any right to tell

the other what to do. Compromise is fine if freely agreed, but

compromise simply because of cultural or societal expectations

isn’t really compromise, it’s a surrender to programming. Love,

it says, should be an act of generosity that seeks to help the

beloved be their best self.

And sometimes that means letting go. My friends from the

handfasting ceremony? They lasted another year and moved

on. But people do move on, however they choose to love. Some

people’s relationships are sustained by binding themselves

ever more tightly together, others by giving themselves and

those they love freedom. There is no one-size-fits-all.

As for me, I see relationship anarchy as first and foremost

about designing relationships that suit those involved rather

than accepting the template we’re handed. That’s as important

for those of us who are monogamous as for those who are

consensually non-monogamous. Many aspire to an off-the-peg

relationship, a journey on the “relationship escalator” that

propels us from first date to grave. But others, both

monogamous and non-monogamous, don’t. We want to live our

own lives, not someone else’s.

A World Beyond Monogamy: How People Make Polyamory and

Open Relationships Work and W hat We Can All Learn From Them

by Jonathan Kent is published by Luminastra Press at £19.99

Are you a swinger or a SoPo?

The new relationship dictionary

Swinging The pursuit and enjoyment of recreational sex as a

couple with other individuals, couples or groups.

Polyamory Maintaining multiple romantic and/or sexual

relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

Monogamish Monogamy but where couples agree that

(in)fidelity isn’t a deal breaker in their relationship.

Consensual non-monogamy A term that covers all consensual

romantic and sexual relationships beyond coupledom.

Solo polyamory or “SoPo” Where you operate as an individual

rather than as someone becoming coupled; the idea that one’s

primary relationship is with oneself.

Metamour One’s partner’s other partner(s). Someone to whom

you are linked by virtue of sharing a romantic or sexual partner.

See also metasqueeze — as per metamour but more informal.

Triad Sometimes called a throuple, is three people in a

relationship where there’s a sexual and/or emotional bond

between all three of them.

“V” (or “vee”) Where one person is dating two others but those

two are not romantically or sexually involved with one another.

Polycule A network of people linked through polyamorous

connections.

Cowboys/girls Someone who sees a person who is currently

polyamorous and wants to lure them back to monogamy.

Cuckoos Like cowboys, cuckoos try to monopolise a

consensually non-monogamous person, but in a more insidious

manner. In other words, “I’m saying I’m poly, but actually I want

this person all to myself, so I’m going to try and make everybody

else so uncomfortable in the relationship that they leave.”

Unicorns Many couples new to polyamory try to find the perfect

third person that will fit both of them (typically a woman) to love

and lust equally. So called because the demand for them so far

outstrips the supply that they are practically mythical.

One penis policy A widely derided arrangement where a man

stipulates that everyone he is in a relationship with is fine to have

sex with anyone else they choose, so long as that person does

not have a penis. ■

*Names have been changed Photographs: Netflix

Above, from left Netflix’s polyamory rom-com You Me Her; Toni

Collette and Steven Mackintosh in the BBC1 drama Wanderlust

The Sunday Times Style • 19