The Sunday Times Magazine - UK (2022-02-13)

The Sunday Times Magazine • 51

Engine

2480cc, 5 cylinders,

turbo, petrol

Power

394bhp @ 5600pm

Torque

369 Ib ft @ 2250rpm

Acceleration

0-62mph: 3.8sec

Top speed

155mph

Fuel / CO 2

31.4mpg / 205g/km

Weight

1,570kg

Price

£54,405

Release date

On sale now

Jeremy’s rating

The Clarksometer

Audi RS 3 Sportback

1,436mm

4,389mm 1,984mm

asking us to believe that one half
of the car can be one temperature
and the other half something else.
No. It. Can’t. And also they now
give us the ability to choose what
temperature we’d like, to within
half a degree. Really? Because
who ever thinks, “Hmm. I think
21 degrees is too warm. I’ll take it
down to 20.5”?
Not women*, that’s for sure.
They either turn it down to “Lo”
until they become frigid, at which
point they whack it up to “the
melting point of rock”. They
simply don’t understand the
concept of the “auto” button
that keeps the interior of the car
at a constant temperature no
matter what.
Choice in the Audi RS 3,
though, goes much further than
the heating system. Because you
can choose what top speed you’d
like and what noises you want it
to make and whether you want it
to go round corners properly, or
sideways. Interestingly, however,
you can’t have one side of the car
drifting and making a racket and
the other half being like a care
home. It’s coming, though, you can
be sure of that. And I don’t want it.
When I buy a car, I like to think
it’s all been tuned and set up by
engineers who know what they’re
doing. I don’t need or want a car
with a smorgasbord of options,
all of which were designed on a
laptop by sweaty geeks who were
setting up a plumbing algorithm
only yesterday.

see muddy cars in the capital. It

was like I’d arrived there from a

stage on the RAC Rally.

Which I sort of had because

this car did remind me of the old

20-valve quattro. Like the Daddy,

it has four-wheel drive and a

turbocharged five-cylinder engine,

only this time with 2.5 litres and

394 horsepowers. That’s nearly

twice as many as you got from the

old car. It’s really quick as a result.

But that’s not the best thing. The

best thing is the way it manages

to feel planted and secure and in

charge of the situation, and light

and dainty at the same time. It’s

part tank, part water boatman.

Lord Carrington on waterskis.

Couple all this to a suspension

system which, in normal mode, is

compliant even at low speeds on

urban roads, and you have a car

that inspires confidence. It flatters

you. It flattered me so much that

at one point on my farm drive,

which is narrow and twisty, the

speedo flicked past 100mph.

In the olden days people used to

go for a drive for fun, because they

enjoyed the sensation of driving.

I’m not sure this sort of thing

happens any more but this is a car

that causes the idea to enter your

mind. Certainly, I kept thinking

of things that I needed from town.

Inside? Well, the boot’s smaller

than it used to be because the

equipment needed to let a driver

go round corners sideways takes

up a chunk of space. So that’s

annoying. But the dash is better.

As is the way these days, it’s all

glass so it looks very smart even

though it’s impossible to use if

you’re more than 12. The

temperature, though. That’s

controlled by buttons, which

meant Lisa could spend every

journey jamming them all the way

up or all the way down, so that she

looked either like Farrah Fawcett

in that Seventies poster, or the

Terminator after it had lowered

itself into that vat of molten steel.

For once, I didn’t really care

because I was enjoying myself

too much. It’s strange. These days

we never really think of Audis as

serious playthings. Mercedes and

BMW have that part of the market

all sewn up, but sometimes Audi

comes along with an option that

beats the other Germans into a

cocked hat. This is what’s happened

here. It’s a bloody good car n

*I’m duty bound to say here “not

all women”. Only all the ones I’ve

ever met

Who ever

thinks,

“Hmm.

I think

21 degrees

is too warm.

I’ll take it

down to

20.5”?

That’s why I simply didn’t

bother altering any of the systems

in the RS 3. I just got in and set off

and I’m glad because behind the

nonsense this is a very good car.

What’s more, after a day or two

I made it even better because at

this time of year my farmyard is

filthy, and so is the drive and so

are all the roads round these parts.

All of which meant that in just

24 hours the Audi was caked in

mud and crikey, it looked good,

especially when I took it to

London. People stared. You never