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Marriage and Family Life: The ParentingYears

Principle 5: Tailor the Discipline to Fit the
Offense

Natural consequences are always the
best.(See Sidebar 7.4) Consequences
which are too harsh will create fear in the
child; this means when the child“minds,”
he or she does so based on fear of the
parent,rather than an intrinsic
understanding of why the behavior is
wrong or right.Consequences which do
not have a negative effect on the child are
a waste of time for both parent and child.
These kinds of meaningless consequences
will not bring about the desired behaviors.

Principle 6: Do Not Threaten

Parents should never threaten to do
something they cannot or will not do.
Most children (except the very young) are
very skilled at knowing when the parent is
bluffing.Children perceive this as
permission to continue doing the
unwanted behavior a little longer.

Principle 7: Remain Calm

Yes,parentscanremain calm,even
when dealing with an unruly child.It takes
determination on the part of the parent,
which includes a willingness to take a
“parent time-out”when necessary.If
parents continually use a loud,
demanding,or frustrated tone of voice,

children will get used to it,eventually

tuning it out.Just as children are skilled at

knowing when a parent is bluffing,they

also are very adept at triggering a parent’s

“flash point.”A calm,even tone of voice

will set a good example and effectively

communicate the message.Save the stern

voice for serious situations.

Principle 8: Remember They Are Children

Parents must not expect a young child

who is hungry or tired to remember the

rules or to obey them.It is important to

have realistic expectations of children,

given their developmental age.Young

children often become little whirlwinds

when they are hungry or tired.Their

bodies go into a kind of primitive mode

and theycannotcomply with parental

wishes.Parents need to feed them,give

them a nap,and see to their needs,then

then the child will be able to follow

directions.Adolescents,on the other hand,

should be able to monitor their own

behavior and,within reason,be

responsible for themselves with some

parental oversight.

SIDEBAR7.4

Shouting to make a child obey is like using the

horn to steer the car... and you get about the

same results.