Layout 1

Conflict in Families

When there are children in the home,
conflicts can be quite intense.Couples
frequently disagree over childrearing
practices.The demands of small children can
be stressful.Teens can create much tension
and disagreement within families.Families
who do not have good conflict management
skills are often surprised to find themselves in
the throes of destructive conflict.

Couples in Conflict

Gottman (2001) has found that a full
69% of all marital conflicts never go away.
For instance, if the couple was arguing
over spending too much money 10 years
ago, they are likely still arguing over it
today. The reason for this is couples attach
different meaning to the same situations.
These meanings are often deeply rooted in
each person and often have their roots in
the family of origin. Thus, arguments
about money could really be about
feelings of insecurity and fear about the
future. The couple, embroiled in the
argument over spending, has no idea the
argument is about anything more than
“what one of them spent last week.”
Couples tend to develop rather
predictable habits of conflict behavior.
Three styles of conflict which can be
destructive in a relationship have been
identified (Adler, Rosenfeld, Proctor, &
Proctor, 2004; Knox & Schacht, 1999):

Types of Conflict

Personality-Based Conflict.We often

blame others for a conflict, assuming if

they would just change something about

themselves, the conflict would disappear.

This ispersonality-based conflict(Buss,

2006). For example, a husband may be

agitated with his wife because she

somehow always seems to cause them to

arrive late to church. He insists she needs

to be more punctual in order for their

relationship to work.

1. Complementary style of conflict—
   Couples who use a complementary
   style of conflict behave opposite to
   one another. For example, he will
   yell and then she will listen.


2. Symmetrical style of conflict—
   Couples who use a symmetrical
   style of conflict react equally to
   one another. For example, he
   shouts insults and she shouts
   insults back at him. These spouses
   often don’t really hear one another,
   but just try to outdo the other.


3. Parallel style of conflict—Couples
   who use a parallel style of conflict
   retreat from one another or avoid
   one another. For example, some
   couples will give each other the
   “silent treatment.”