When families stick to the rules of fair
fighting, they will be able to resolve their
conflicts constructively and in a manner
which does not destroy the relationship.
Instead,they will find that by working
together to solve their problems,they have
honored one another and strengthened their
relationship.
Focus on the Positive
In their extensive research into marriage,
the Gottman Institute (2004) found the
first few minutes of an interaction can be
crucial in setting the tone for its outcome.
They recommend softening the impact of
your words before unleashing critical
statements in anger. According to them, it
isnota good idea to say whatever you are
thinking. Couples who begin to tolerate
hurtful statements and bad behavior from
one another begin to destroy their
relationship. It is best to learn to interrupt
long, heated discussions and focus on the
positive, rather than the negative. See
Sidebar 12.4 for some important tips on
facilitating communication in a marriage.
Destructive Conflict
When families avoid conflict or do not
follow guidelines for constructive resolution,
conflict can erupt violently,resulting in
relationship-destroying consequences.
Avoidance behaviors (withdrawing or the
silent treatment) can seem to maintain peace,
but without any constructive resolution,
these kinds of behaviors can eat away at the
relationship.Often conflict which is avoided
erupts in an inappropriate emotional
outburst,leaving all parties wondering,
“What happened?”It is better to face the
conflict and deal with it than to pretend it
does not exist.Conflict in FamiliesSIDEBAR12.3
Constructive Conflict Resolution:
Waiting for the Right Time
GaryandIdon’treallyfight.Imean,notthe“knock-
down-drag-out-dirty”kindof fightsthatyouseeon
TV. Sure, we disagree—a lot. But we always try to
find some middle ground.I remember a time when
Garywantedtobuyanewcar,andIthoughtwejust
shouldn’t be spending money on things like that.
One day,he dragged me along to look at cars.It was
a Sunday afternoon, when the dealerships were
closed,sowewouldn’tbebotheredbyasalesperson.
But I couldn’t get interested in any of the cars. So,
wedecidedtogiveitsometime,sinceitwasclearwe
weren’t going to come to any agreement. I was too
busy with some situations at work to even think
about buying a new car at that time. I’m glad he
didn’t push it, because I didn’t want to deal with it
just then. Sometimes, the best resolution is to agree
to disagree and give it some time.
Acoupleof weekslater,mycarbrokedownwhile
I was at lunch. It was only a dead battery, but it
delayed me enough to make me late for a meeting.
That was all I needed to convince me it was time for
anewcar!Wewereabletofindacarthatwasreliable
and economical (my requirements), while being
sporty and fun to drive (his requirements). In this
way,we resolved the conflict.So,we both benefited.
—Anonymous