Kundalini and the Art of Being ... 9Later, I found a Buddhist teacher nearby, whom I began visiting
regularly. And although his suggestions also were of some help, they
didn’t manage to fundamentally change the difficulty of what I was
going through. The Kundalini energy was such that only a completely
restructured nervous system could alter my response to its presence.
And allowing this process to take place was, in my case, an intoler-
ably lengthy and agonizing affair.
At one point, I came to the conclusion that, despite how deeply
I desired to live, I had no way out but to kill myself. I felt that it
was no longer possible to stay present with the pain that was with
me every minute of every day. I had come to my breaking point
again and again and had managed to go beyond it. But now I felt
that I’d come across not just another hurdle, but rather the edge of
a gaping crevasse that offered only the option of jumping headlong
into the void. As far as I could tell, there was nowhere else left to
go.
I thought about this possibility over a number of weeks. Slowly,
I came to the conclusion that there were no other options available
to me. I had tried everything I could conceive of. I’d endured for
five months what felt like an eternity of hardship. I’d read countless
books and sought out many teachers. I’d cried to God for answers
and understanding. I’d waited and waited and waited for my condi-
tion to evolve. And yet I was still overwhelmed with these bizarre,
terrifying symptoms of pain and torment that seemed to come from
nowhere and yet were everywhere.
What else could I do but leave it all behind? From my perspective
at the time, the situation seemed completely pointless. How could
this be a necessary, meaningful experience in a loving universe—to
be locked in unending, excruciating psychological and physical tor-
ture? What sort of God would allow such an experience? Why be a
part of a world that permitted such seemingly senseless, ongoing suf-
fering? I concluded that I would rather cease to exist than be trapped
in this intolerable experience. There had to be a better place than
where I was, in this life and this body.