c h aP t e r 1

L

ate one December night, I lay meditating on my back at a
friend’s apartment in Austin, Texas, though I was far from be-
ing in a state of peace. Turbulent thoughts and feelings were
rushing through me from the past days and weeks of emotional tur-
moil. I lay there in silent stillness, eyes closed, struggling to focus my
scattered energy, searching for a place of serenity within myself so
that I might drift gently into the solace of sleep and dreams.
Finding that place wasn’t easy. There was such discordant energy
coursing throughout my consciousness: chaotic, disturbing thoughts,
deep feelings of fear and hopelessness, flashes of internal light, and
random energy coming from somewhere within my mind. I lay un-
moving despite my inner anguish, feeling it all, trying to let it flow
through, willing myself to find that space of inner peace.
Finally, I touched something within myself that felt balanced and
grounded beneath the confusion. It seemed real and connected, like
a sturdy shelter amidst a powerful storm. I entered this place and
pulled myself down beneath the turmoil.
I basked in relief as I ceased my struggling and allowed myself to
relax into this tranquil place. I could feel the storm of my distress still
raging all around me, but, for the time being, I was no longer engaged
in resisting it. Its presence even seemed to diminish somewhat. I even
indulged in this peace, wanting to hold onto it forever and not have
to face the discomfort that I had managed to leave behind. Somehow
I knew this could not be so.
I soon felt this quiet space begin to expand within and around me,
engulfing me entirely. Then, abruptly, I began falling slowly down-
wards. At first, I was scared to be falling, but then, I realized that I