Kundalini and the Art of Being ... 9love with the woman I had come all this way to see, unable to get
close to her. The only way I could think to resolve the situation was
simply to remove myself from it.
But I couldn’t leave right away, since not only did I not know
where I was going, I was also just about broke. I’d spent too much
on the Greyhound ticket and motel rooms, and was now down to
barely enough cash to last another week or two. I concluded that I’d
better find a job and make a little money. In the meantime, I could
make up my mind about what to do next.
I soon found a job, at a deli not far from Amy’s apartment, and
started working 0 hours a week. Though I disliked it, I knew that
I wouldn’t be there long. I had a number of options forming as to
where to go from Austin. I thought I might go back to Ananda and
do work exchange there through the winter; go up to Alaska and
visit my best friend from college, and maybe stay there for a little
while; or go live with my mom in Northern California and take a few
classes at the local community college. I also sent an application to a
state university in Northern California for the next fall.
Though Amy and I lived together in the same little apartment for
over a month, sadly, we spent only occasional time together and
didn’t get much closer than we had been over the summer. If any-
thing, we closed ourselves more than we opened. Either I was busy
working, or downtown hanging out at the library and bookstores; or
she was gone working herself, or spending time with Michael. And
when we were together, we didn’t really know what to say about
the difficult situation, other than to try to get along in spite of it. It
was typical miscommunication, proving particularly painful for me,
since she was the only friend I had in the area.
Over that month I went into a downward spiral of loneliness. In
addition to the challenging living circumstances, I was on my usual
spiritual roller coaster—except that I didn’t have anywhere to really
deal with things, and thus couldn’t resolve or heal everything that
was surfacing within me. Having no outlet, my unexpressed thoughts
and emotions began backing up in my consciousness, so that I felt as