10 Cutting the Solidity of Thoughts

I

once had an interviewwith a student who
began by saying, “This is all pretty depressing, isn’t
it? There’s something sort of grim and discouraging
about what we’re doing here. Where’s the joy?
Where’s the cheerfulness in all of this?” We talked for
a while. Then at the end of the interview, she had her
own insight, “I guess the joy comes from getting real.”
That really struck me. Whether it’s connecting
with the genuine heart of sadness and the messy
areas of our lives, or connecting with vision and ex-
pansion and openness, what’s real is all included in
well-being; it’s all included in joy. Joy is not about
pleasure as opposed to pain or cheerfulness as op-
posed to sadness. Joy includes everything.
There’s a slogan that says, “Don’t wallow in self-
pity.” That’s a good one to remember if you find that
tonglen practice has you crying a lot. This whole ap-
proach could evolve into self-pity easily, and self-pity
takes a lot of maintenance. You have to talk to your-
self quite a bit to keep it up. The slogan is saying to
get to know what self-pity feels like underneath the

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