and inadequacy that I carried every day. My failures, my
inadequacy, my fears were a dark cloud that I carried, that often
defined how I felt about myself.
“You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just
playing the role of being a Christian, but God is disappointed in
you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see
your shame and shortcomings.”
I must interrupt my story. I must ask you, the reader, —what
voices are you listening to in your own mind or heart? Was
there a mother or father who humiliated you? A husband who
shows his anger? Have you done something you consider
terrible that you feel will mar you forever?
Well, that is how I felt. And until you give these voices up to
God, you will never truly enjoy the fun in life, the blessing of
His favor, the true warmth of His love.
Back to my story.
Clamoring voices demoralized me as I ambled down the
shadowy hallway toward a meeting with a total stranger, one of
the instructors who had offered to meet with me. “You
shouldn’t admit out-loud that you feel unloved and lonely.
That will sound pathetic, whiny. Perhaps this man will see that
you deserve to be rejected, for all the imperfections of your life,
the ways you can never live up to your own standards. He
won’t understand. No one does.”
At 20 years old, the façade people observed by the mask of
friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Long
blonde hair, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect
as possible hoping someone would truly love me—I attempted