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- Are you seeing other women?
They are especially not looking for answers to these questions. Most importantly, no
answer you can give them would be correct. Why? Because ultimately, the real question behind
these boils down to: “Can I trust him?” and following right after that, “Can I just find out what the
fault is quickly so I don’t have to get hurt again?” (See: “Tests”)
The best way to handle a question you don’t want to answer initially is to deflect it. Let it
flow by and around you. Use humor and a delicate touch and she will get the hint that if she
keeps pushing this line of questioning, she may get an answer she doesn’t want to hear. If she
persists and calls you on your deflection, which will happen many times, you must have a good
way of shutting down the question with confidence. Here’s an example:
Marco stated exactly what his intention was, without apology. He also managed to throw
down a gauntlet of challenge to Tina, telling her in effect that he wasn’t sure if she would be
more interesting than a friend. He also threw in a clever reversal, stating that he wasn’t sure if
she was trustable as well. And he managed to leave the question as to his dating status
unanswered. Another thing Marco could have said in response to her question is: “Why? Are
you feeling a little insecure?” That reply calls a woman on her root cause for asking, but it has to
be handled very delicately, and only after she has shown that she won’t give up.
What would have happened if Marco said “Yes”? He would have had to let her make an
instant judgment about him that may or may not have been accurate. If he said “No,” she would
have been a little worried that he was going to come on too strong since she was all he was
focusing on.
Any question can be handled as Marco did, as long as you are prepared to answer in a
way that states confidently how you feel about it and that you are not going to be bullied or
forced to answer something you are not comfortable with. Do not appear apologetic or
insincere! You simply state in a nice way that it’s none of her business, and then move on to a
new topic.
ARGUMENTS...........................................................................................................................................
As I stated before, arguments are necessary for the healthy functioning of relationships.
They provide dynamic tension and help you know where the limits are. Healthy conflict is
required; it’s the motor oil of dating and relationships. A good argument stirs up the blood and
Tina: “So, I wanted to ask you, are you seeing other women?”
Marco: “About fifteen now, but it’s gone down since the dot-com fallout.”
Tina: (smiling) “No, really, are you dating a lot of other girls?”
Marco: “Why do you ask?”
Tina: “Well, are you?”
Marco: “You tell me, are you seeing other women?”
Tina: “C’mon, really, I’m just curious. Are you?”
Marco: (realizing that she won’t let up, puts his hand on hers) “I’m sure we’re both a little worried if the
other one is someone we can trust, but I’m not comfortable talking about other people I may be seeing at this
point. I don’t know enough about you to talk about that quite yet. Maybe if we become more than friends.”