82 Leading with NLP
Normally we tend to assume what matters to us is also im-
portant to others, or at least assume their co-operation or
indifference. When we assume other people have the same
values and value equivalents we do, we give them what we
need (but they may not), while getting from others what they
like (but we may not).
Whenever I think I know what others want, or what they
value, I remember a story told me by my daughter’s primary
school teacher. She had set an essay for the whole class with
the title: ‘The most exciting thing that ever happened to me’.
The next week, she collected their work in and enjoyed read-
ing it. She planned to read the best stories to the whole class.
All the stories caught her imagination until she came to the
story by Tony, one of the quietest boys in the class. He had
written, ‘I went to America and found some treasure in the
desert. Then I got lost. Then my parents found me and I went
home.’ That was all. The teacher was intrigued. The next day,
she took Tony aside and said, ‘Tony, I was reading your story
last night and it sounded really exciting, but I don’t really
know what happened. Can you tell me a bit more?’
Tony told her of how he went to America on holiday, and
how he and his family went to the Arizona desert and visited
an archaeological dig. The excavators had allowed Tony to
share their discoveries, including some Native American pot-
tery, and then he had become separated from his parents in
the desert. He had nearly died.
The teacher sat on the edge of her seat as the story un-
folded. ‘Why didn’t you write all this?’ she asked.
‘Thought you would work it out,’ he said. ‘It’s only de-
tails.’
Tony had a marvellously complex tale in his mind and be-
cause it was so real to him, he thought it would be equally
real to others. He assumed others would know or be able to
work it out. He will learn, I hope, that the good things of life
are in the details.
Once you know what is important to others, then you
need to find their rules, their value equivalents. How do they
know when their values are being honoured? How do they