114 Part II: Winning Friends and Influencing People
Pacing to lead other people successfully
Building great relationships requires that you pace other people. As a meta-
phor, NLP compares pacing people with running alongside a train. If you
try to jump straight on to a moving train, you’re likely to fall off. In order to
jump on a moving train, you need to gather speed by racing alongside it until
you’re moving at the same speed, before you can jump.
In order to lead people – to influence them with your point of view – remem-
ber to pace them first. This approach means really listening to them, fully
acknowledging them, truly understanding where they’re coming from, and
being patient about it.
To build rapport NLP advises you to pace, pace, and pace again before you
lead. Pacing is how NLP describes your flexibility to pick up and match,
respectfully, other people’s behaviours and vocabulary, and where you
actively listen to the other person. Leading is when you attempt to get the
other person to change by subtly taking that person in a new direction.
In business, companies that succeed in introducing major change pro-
grammes do so in measured steps, allowing employees to accept changes
gradually. People are unwilling to be led to new ways of working until they
have first been listened to and acknowledged (that is, paced). The most effec-
tive leaders are those who pace the reality of their people’s experience first.
When you watch effective salespeople in action you can see how they master
the art of pacing the customer and demonstrate genuine interest. (By effec-
tive, we’re thinking of those who sell a genuine product with integrity rather
than the shark approach.) They listen, listen, and listen some more about
what the customer’s needs are – what the person really wants – before trying
to sell anything. People resent being sold to, but they love to be listened to
and to talk about what’s important to them. An antiques dealer friend has
perfected this art over many years, gently guiding his customers through his
genuine affection for the articles he sells from his own home, and sharing
his expertise.
When Kate bought a family car several years ago, she went to six different
showrooms where salespeople rushed to sell the virtues of their car without
showing any interest in how it fitted in with her lifestyle. At the time she had a
young family and went on long trips with the children in the car.
The salesperson who was successful displayed superb interpersonal skills
and presented a practical, family estate car. He paced Kate well, listening
carefully, treating her with respect (unlike those who assumed the buying
decision would be made by her husband), and trusted her with the keys so
she was able to take it for a spin immediately. As she drove along, he gently
gathered the information he needed to match the right model of car to her
buying criteria, realising she wasn’t going to accept a hard direct sell. Within
