180 Part III: Opening the Toolkit
We now look at how you can apply this model when you’re facing a dilemma
that needs a solution. Imagine that you’re in a relationship that isn’t working.
You can use the concept of logical levels to help you find the best way for-
ward. Here’s how the process works:
- Recognise that things are out of alignment.
You know this situation is the case when you’re uncomfortable with
your partner and you know that you want things to be different.
- Discover what can be different.
Ask yourself certain questions that can help you pinpoint exactly what
you want to be different. If you both simply moved to a new flat or dif-
ferent city would things improve? For example, does one set of in-laws
make too many demands on your time and stop you from developing
your relationship as a couple? Or do you have a fundamental difference
in your values? Each logical level has certain types of questions. (Head
to the later section ‘Finding the Right Lever for Change’ to help you work
through the individual logical levels.)
- When you’ve identified the logical level, bring that level back in align-
ment with the others.
At the lower levels, say at environment or behaviour, you may both
be able to adjust some simple habits in order to have a harmonious
relationship. You may ask your partner to be more tidy at home, for
example, while you share the administration of bill paying. Building your
skills in an area such as talking freely about your feelings or learning DIY
may take more time and effort. Also, working with an individual coach
can be valuable, to help you examine your beliefs and values or develop
a stronger identity for yourself.
Fran was shocked when her husband of ten years announced that he was leav-
ing home and moving in with one of her good friends. She felt that if they were
to move house (change the environment level) and spend more time together
(the behaviour level) all would be well. Through some relationship work,
she came to realise that her husband had always had completely different
values (the beliefs and values level) from her. He was from a large, boisterous
family environment, and Fran focused all her attention on her work. She never
wanted to be a mother or homemaker (the identity level) and felt her sense
of purpose was achieved through her work in corporate litigation. In the end,
they decided to divorce and amicably go their separate ways because they
each wanted a fundamentally different relationship.
Often people attempt to solve issues by changing one logical level – such
as environment or behaviour – when they need to address a separate logi-
cal level, such as that of values or identity. Similarly, when you have issues
with someone’s behaviour, remember not to challenge their identity, and to
respect their beliefs.
