188 Part III: Opening the Toolkit
NLP separates the intention that lies behind your action from the action
itself. For this reason, NLP avoids labelling people. Phrases such as ‘men
behaving badly’, for example, doesn’t mean that men are intrinsically bad,
just that some behaviour is bad behaviour.
If you want to give feedback to encourage learning and better performance,
always give very specific feedback about what someone says or does in terms
of the behaviour rather than commenting at the identity level. So, instead of
saying ‘John. Sorry mate, but you were just awful.’ Try: ‘John, it was difficult to
hear you at the meeting because you looked at the computer all the time and
had your back to the audience.’
Here are some identity questions to ask yourself when you have a sense of
conflict around your identity:
✓ How is what you’re experiencing an expression of who you are?
✓ What kind of person are you?
✓ How do you describe yourself?
✓ What labels do you put on other people?
✓ How would others describe you?
✓ Would other people think of you as you want?
✓ What pictures, sounds, or feelings are you aware of as you think about
yourself?
A greater awareness of self is a valuable insight in any journey of personal
development. Too often people try to change others, when changing them-
selves would be a more effective starting point.
Purpose
This ‘beyond-identity’ level connects you to the larger picture when you
begin to question your own purpose, ethics, mission, or meaning in life.
Purpose takes individuals into the realms of spirituality and their connection
with a bigger order of things in the universe, and it leads organisations to
define their raison d’être, vision, and mission.
Human survival amid incredible suffering depends on true acceptance of
your circumstances that goes beyond identity. Witness the resilience of the
Dalai Lama driven from his homeland of Tibet, or the story of Viktor Frankl’s
endurance of the Holocaust in his book Man’s Search for Meaning.
