Illustration by Louise Zergaeng PomeroyI’m working in the United States
while my parents live abroad. My father
made an unfortunate investment
decision a couple of years ago, lost
almost all his money and has been in
debt ever since. I helped him pay off
some of his debts, but recently I have
been hesitating to send more money.
I have managed to save some money
myself, but it’s far from enough to pay
his debts. Plus, I’m here in this country
alone, and I want to have some savings.
I also fear that if he develops a habit
of relying on me, he will stop trying to
fi nd a way to earn money or to collect
from people who owe him money.
However, my dad has been trying
to solve this situation for some time
and has made little progress. It really
hurts to see him so sad. I’m worried
that if things continue this way
for a few years, it will take a toll on
his mental and physical health.
Am I coldhearted not to help my dad
fi nancially? Should I give him more
money, or even all my money? I am not a
spendthrift, for sure, but I haven’t been
frugal either, and I sometimes feel guilty
because I think maybe I should have been.Name WithheldIn this country, it’s routine for kids to ask
their parents for money but not vice versa.
In many places, however, children expect
to support their elderly parents and will
subordinate their interests to that aim.
Indeed, children have historically been
regarded as a kind of insurance plan for
old age. Filial piety, a Confucian ideal,
requires children to maintain indigent
parents in old age, and in Singapore,
where much of the population takes Con-
fucian values seriously, that ideal has legal
teeth: A Tribunal for the Maintenance of
Parents allows needy parents to obtain
a legally enforceable order for fi nancial
assistance from their children. People I
grew up with in Ghana would condemn
you if you lived comfortably but left your
parents hard up. And many, many Amer-
icans would no doubt feel the same.
Philosophers have sometimes ques-
tioned the sentiment. The philosopher18 2.27.22 Illustration by Tomi Um
(and physicist) Jane English denies that
we owe something to our parents simply
because they gave us life and raised us.
She thinks that the duties we have to our
parents arise out of the positive relation-
ships — the friendships, as she calls them
— that develop naturally in the course of
being brought up in a loving family. In
her view, those duties cease if the rela-
tionship breaks down.
Whether or not you accept her account,
English is surely right that a parent who has
treated you badly will have less call on your
assistance than one who has done well by
you. And if the reason your parent is in
poverty is that he has a gambling addic-
tion, say, it may be a good idea to make
support conditional on seeking treatment.
(These things are true too when a child
needs help from a parent.) Those strictures
don’t apply here: You clearly have a caring
relationship with your father, and so even
in English’s view, you have duties to him.
And you suggest that he was ruined by one
badly misjudged decision, not necessarily
a propensity for recklessness.
You haven’t given me enough details to
judge how much you should do for your
father. (Cost-of-living diff erences between
the countries can aff ect how far your fi nan-
cial assistance will go.) But you’ve men-
tioned a number of the relevant consid-
erations. It matters how onerous it would
be for you to help and how bad things will
be for him if you don’t. Even if, by pinch-
ing pennies, you could eventually bail him
out, you don’t have an obligation to help
him in ways he can help himself. To treat
him with respect is to recognize that he
has the primary responsibility for his own
welfare. If there is money that he’s entitled
to — you mention debts he should try to
collect — you don’t want to discourage him
from getting it, and you aren’t obliged to
support him if you conclude he could fi nd
remunerative employment but wouldn’t if
your payments obviated the need.
I wonder, though, whether you haven’t
left out one of the main ways in which you
could assist him. What if you and your
father discussed your respective situations
frankly, working out a strategy for address-
ing his fi nancial problems? You could have
a conversation about what’s reasonable for
him to expect from you, in light of your
situation. These conversations are bound
to be uncomfortable, and you may both
have avoided them for that reason. But I
suspect that confronting the matter — withHow Much Help Do I Owe
My Debt-Ridden Dad?
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(Include a daytime
phone number.)Lucy writes: My
husband burns his
microwave popcorn
on purpose. He
says it’s French, but I
doubt it. It’s annoying
because of the smell.
Could you please tell
him this isn’t a thing?
————
I asked the most
French person
I know — the film
writer Manuela Lazíc
— and she said she
has never heard of
this. This doesn’t
necessarily mean
he’s lampe-à-gaz-ing
you, but ultimately,
the Frenchness of
burned popcorn
isn’t the point. Some
people like it, and
your husband is one
of them. But you
don’t have to cater
to him. Since you’re
already using the
microwave, there’s
no reason for him
not to nuke his own
bag — while taking
responsibility for
making your house
smell like a break
room. The internet
says you can undo
the burned popcorn
odor by cooking a
cup of diluted
white vinegar in the
microwave. Perfect,
because he probably
loves huffing
hot vinegar too.Bonus Advice
Fr o m J u d g e
John HodgmanThe Ethicist By Kwame Anthony Appiah