Liber ab Matrimonium (Book of Marriage)^125
The First Rite of Handfasting
The first Rite of Handfasting is the engagement. It is what happens at the conclu-
sion of courtship and not during. While it saddens me to say this, many of our younger
folk tend to see this rite whimsically. I cannot tell you how many folk have asked me to
perform the first Rite of Handfasting after a month-long courtship or after a few months
trading emails on the Internet. Only if a couple can be judged to be serious in their
dedication should anyone perform such a rite. Some argue that a couple should be
allowed to court first. Of course they should be allowed to court, but courting comes
before an engagement. Others argue they want a promise of monogamy now. Some-
times that is what is on their mind, but they won’t admit it. Or maybe they want to make
sure a person is bound to them. Well then, ask for a promise of monogamy or some
binding now, but don’t involve a Rite of Handfasting to establish monogamy or binding
because handfastings do not automatically assume such a thing unless the couple builds
that into the varar. And even once they are included in the varar, the first Rite of
Handfasting does not magickly bind two people together. Instead, it celebrates and
marks the magick that binds people together.
The commitment is always for a year and a day or for as long as love shall stay.
Generally speaking, this commitment is also to live together under the conditions in
which they will be legally joined at the second Rite of Handfasting. Thus, the first rite is
a marriage itself under the Wiccan religion, but it is one that is much easier to dissolve.
Yes, you still have to live by the varar for at least a year and a day to complete your
promise; however, should you complete that promise you do not have the matters of a
divorce by law. Instead, a simple Handparting will do.
Now, the proposal is a very interesting question. If the first Rite of Handfasting is
the engagement, doesn’t that absolutely destroy the surprise of a proposal? No, it does
not. When I say the first Rite of Handfasting is the engagement, I mean that it is what
is done to mark the engagement. Remember, Wiccan rituals are sacred theater that
celebrate life by imitating life. The rite itself is no more the act of proposing than is the
symbolic Great Rite the consummation of that union.
Should one want to propose to another, let that person go to his or her love. Should
he or she desire to exchange a ring at that time, then he should bring it along. But do so
with your varar, your promise. Let the person know what you are asking, and be specific.
Trust me, it is more romantic to extend the moment on bent knee reciting the poetry of
your varar to the person you love than to ask if he or she wants to get hitched. Should the
other person accept the varar, they write theirs and offer you their promise as well. To-
gether, the couple then discusses the varar until they arrive at a realistic plan for their
first handfasting. They then pick a date, perform the rite, and at that point the varars
are officially marked and exchanged. So, instead of the first Rite of Handfasting pre-
venting romance, it furthers romance while also insisting that those who would be wed
take some time to think about that union long enough to write it down and discuss it.o WB Chap 07.p65 125 7/11/2003, 5:52 PM