nita nava sōcu satī ura bhārā. kaba jaiha'um̐ dukha sāgara pārā. 1.
maiṁ jō kīnha raghupati apamānā. puni patibacanu mṛṣā kari jānā. 2.
sō phalu mōhi bidhātām̐ dīnhā. jō kachu ucita rahā sō'i kīnhā. 3.
aba bidhi asa būjhi'a nahiṁ tōhī. saṅkara bimukha ji'āvasi mōhī. 4.
Contrition and grief held Sati’s heart in their firm grip. She was tormented daily with
guilt, and wondered when it would be possible for her to cross this endless ocean of
sorrows and miseries^1. (1)
She lamented—‘I have insulted Lord Ram and slighted his dignity (by playing
dirty tricks with him and trying to trap him by disguising myself as his wife Sita), and
I had compounded my follies by not believing the words of my husband (Lord
Shiva)^2. (2)
The creator Vidhaata (Brahma) has given me the bitter fruit (punishment) that
I deserved for my own misdeeds (and therefore I can’t blame either him or anyone
else). Indeed, the Creator has done what was correct and judicious^3. (3)
Still, oh Creator, it is unfair and cruel for you to force me to live separate from
my beloved husband^4 (to whom I am totally devoted). (4)
[Note—^1 Sati has been tormented ever since she realised that whatever Shiva had told
her regarding Lord Ram was the absolute truth. Refer: Ram Charit Manas, Baal
Kand, line no. 2 of Doha no. 53 and Chaupai line nos. 1-2 that follow it.
Then once again when there was a heavenly voice praising Shiva for his vow not
to accept a tainted Sati as his consort any longer, her apprenhensions were further
reinforced. Refer: Ram Charit Manas, Baal Kand, Chaupai line no. 6 that precedes
Doha no. 57.
(^2) That is, I have committed two grave sins—one was to play fools with the
Supreme Lord, Sri Ram, and demeaning the Lord’s authority and holiness by
pretending to be his wife inspite of my husband clearly warning me not to do so. To
add to my woes, I was so stupid and deluded that I did not even pay my obligatory
obeisance to Lord Ram before I went ahead to test him. Not only this, I dared to think
that my husband is attempting to mislead me, and by not believing in his words about
the divinity and greatness of Lord Ram I have implied that he lacks wisdom and
knowledge. Now, this has thrown me in a whirlpool of miseries and grief because my
husband had abandoned me for all practical purposes. He has not even asked me to
repent for my sins, nor has he admonished me, or told me how to do penance to
neutralise the bad effects of my sins. So it’s clear that Shiva is firm not to accept me
under any circumstance.
(^3) That is, I have no right to blame either the creator Brahma or my husband Shiva
for my self-inflicted miseries and torments. I have myself invited and courted trouble.
Whom should I blame?
(^4) Therefore, let me die and leave this body. I don’t want to keep this tainted body
with which I have committed such sins. On the one hand I have offended my husband
Shiva by slighting the authority and dignity of Lord Ram who is worshipped by him.
It is tantamount to desecrating the deity he worships. Then I have disobeyed him and
treated his word with doubts. As if this was not enough, I lied to my husband!
Couldn’t I tell Shiva the truth of my misdeeds and ask him for forgiveness, in which
case I could have invoked his merciful and forgiving nature to get my punishment
reduced or kept in abeyance to let me repent and reform my self and my foolish
nature. But I did not do so. So, whom shall I accuse for my horrors than my own self?
One reaps what one sows, and this is the universal law of Nature that also applies to
me now.]