146 Who Do You Think You Are?
we are all a product of our thoughts; so to make it easy, always think
good thoughts. He was there for me when I needed someone. There were
other people in my life that were extreme opposites of that. In my family
history there has been tremendous turmoil. If I did not have extraordinary
thinking and my grandfather’s love to count on, I don’t know how I
would have made it.
It’s been a rough ride for some of my siblings and for me, at
times. I think it’s hard when you’re a preacher’s kid and granddaughter
and you’re taught all these things about love, but because you’re in so
much pain you don’t really apply them. My grandfather was the shining
light, a true rebel, and when we moved away my dad tried his best to
keep everything together, but there was deep and unresolved hurt and
such pain running through the entire family from divorce, betrayal, things
we all deal with. My mother had abandoned her kids and there were a lot
of us. As hard as my family tried to downplay it, that had an effect on our
thoughts. Also, we lived in unbelievable poverty when I was growing up,
and that can make you feel poor all of your life if you do not get a hand
over your thinking.
Even though I saw all that pain, I could always see beyond it. I
was constantly in the middle of everything saying, “Can’t we all just get
along?” Just like Rodney King. The bottom line was, no; that just wasn’t
going to happen. I wanted to focus on what was really important but no
one was listening.
In the end, siblings made the choice to hold onto their anger, their
pain, their victimhood, and their “I was abandoned” thoughts. They chose
to clutch onto all of that with gusto, and I don’t think they realized (and
maybe they still don’t) that it becomes a prayer. That’s an affirmation;
it’s a structure they built a house on. Holding on to such things will
define you, your relationships, and how you live. Consequently, they’ve
had truly difficult issues and, for the most part, I haven’t had as much
because I left all that behind. I’m not sure exactly why I ran away at 15,
but it was the single most important thing I ever did thus far. Maybe I
just walked very fast to find comfort that I felt was lacking. I made a
rebel choice.
I can remember being thirteen and knowing that I was going to
leave. No one believed me. I knew there was going to be a time when
they’d wake up and say, “Oh wow, where’d she go?” I recall sitting on
the steps at my dad’s house in a little country town in Missouri on a
summer day. My sister had just graduated high school that afternoon and
I recall thinking to myself, “When I walk away from all this, I’m really