2 Friday March 18 2022 | the times
times2
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And MailOnline had a new twist on
the old “comparing the size of a
thing to another, random thing”
trope, with, “Asteroid half the size
of a giraffe strikes Earth off the coast
of Iceland”.
If we’re now inventing — as we
seem to be — “half a giraffe” as an
official unit of measurement, then
surely it would be called the...
gir-half?
Thank
you. Thank
you for
listening
to my
second
joke.UP
Headline of the
week
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Cruz Beckham
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A quick, pleasing update to my
“Nicolas Cage is 100 per cent
Nicolas Cage, 100 per cent of
the time” theory-monitoring
bureau: Cage’s latest film, The
Unbearable Weight of Massive
Talent, in which Cage plays
“Nicolas Cage”, has not only
been dubbed “the most NicolasMeanwhile, I know readers are agog
to know what’s happening over in
the Beckham family, as David and
Victoria launch their offspring, one
by one, into “society”.
As regular readers will know, the
eldest, Brooklyn, is the proud
presenter of Cookin’ with Brooklyn,
a very poorly received YouTube
“cookery” show featuring the
recipe for eg “a sandwich”, which
simultaneously kick-started
Cage movie of all time” —
no mean feat, given the
competition — but has
also, with pleasing
synchronicity, been
awarded the rare score
of 100 per cent on
Rotten Tomatoes, the
review aggregator.
So, Nicolas Cage
continues to be 100 per
cent Nicolas Cage, 100 per
cent of the time, and now with
a score of 100 per cent to boot.
How satisfying.To Hollywood where,
after the success of such rock biopics
as Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman,
any artist with a) a backstory and
b) a back catalogue is being viewed as
a potential and delightful cash cow.
While films based on the lives of
Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, Boy George,
Marianne Faithfull, Michael Jackson
and the Bee Gees are already on their
way, there is one project that has hit
a problem. According to nme.com, a
movie about the life of Mr Piano Man
himself, Billy Joel, is “in the works”,
but with one fatal caveat: it’s being
made without Joel’s permission and
therefore cannot include his likeness,
life story or, most crucially, songs.
Although a name has not yet been
floated for this project, given the
lack of Joel, I’d like to suggest Billy
No-el?Brooklyn’s new career and his
second social-media backlash.
As those both trundle on, attention
now turns to the Beckhams’ third
son, Cruz. Cruz marked his
17th birthday by recently appearing on
the cover of the style magazine i-D in
only his pants, with his trousers
around his ankles, sitting on top of
what looks like a bin.
This shoot is apparently in aid of
Cruz’s continuing career as “a model”
— but I guess this is one of those
moments when I must confess that,
no, I just don’t understand “fashion” at
all. I think for most of us, the idea of
our 17th birthday being marked by a
photo of us only in our pants, with
our trousers around our ankles,
on a bin, would be filed under
not “career highlight”,
but “worst possible
outcome for a
single 24-hour
period of life”.Good morning! And as we enter the
fourth week of the war in Ukraine —
with its effects being felt around the
world — the in-depth analyses of
Vladimir Putin’s mental state have
really started to stack up. The theories
vary — the Daily Mail had it that the
medication Putin was taking for an
alleged cancer had given him “roid
rage”; the Daily Express had him as
“paranoid and delusional”; the US
senator Marco Rubio reckoned he
had some kind of death wish, as “his
time on Earth [at the age of 69] is
running out”; whereas The New York
Times reckoned it was all down to
Putin’s “extreme isolation” during
the pandemic.
Whichever theory you choose, the
consensus seems to be that Putin’s
suffering some kind of wig-out, and
the world is paying the price.
I try not to be stridently feminist all
the time, but while I was watching
Channel 4’s coverage of Crufts this
week, I couldn’t help but contrast the
“coping methods” of the two sexes.
Whatever emotional cataclysm Putin’s
going through, the consequences are
very similar to that of a string of
previous — and present — despots,
strongmen and autocrats, who sought
— and seek — to remedy personal
unhappiness with global mayhem.
Meanwhile, over on Crufts,
I watched a bunch of middle-aged
women who had coped with whatever
life had thrown at them by teaching
their dogs to dance to the soundtrack
to Annie. Is it
too feminazi to
suggest one
option is
better than
the other?
Still, there was competition
for the Headline of the Week
from the Evening Standard,
which had the following
notable story: “Red Bull
thieves steal £850,000 worth
of energy drink in a
staggering heist in Belgium.”
Stealing £850,000
worth of Red Bull? How
do they sleep at
night?
Thank you.
Thank you for
listening to my joke.Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
UP
Nicolas Cage
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Thieves
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Billy Joel
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Dancing dogs
at Crufts
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As we continue to find out how the
pandemic has permanently affected
life in Britain, one big-ticket change
has just become official: outdoor
weddings and civil partnerships are to
be legalised permanently in England
and Wales, the Ministry of Justice
announced this week.
A government consultation found
that 96 per cent of respondents backed
making the change permanent —
allowing weddings to happen
anywhere. Previously, outdoor
weddings had to happen in a
“permanent structure”, such as a
bandstand.
Although I am — obviously! — all
for people getting married wherever
they like, I would also like to speak up
for the 4 per cent of people who didn’t
back the proposal, because I know
what they/me were thinking. Rain.
Wasps. Wind blowing off hats.
Walking through mud in heels. Bees
hiding in bouquets, sleet coming in
sideways, bridesmaids turning
pale-blue in the cold and, in the most
extreme cases, lightning striking the
mother of the bride.
We are not a nation blessed with
reliably clement weather, and it’s
already difficult enough for female
guests to plan an outfit — can’t wear
white; can’t wear anything that will
upstage the bride; can’t wear anything
you’ve worn to a previous wedding;
don’t want to wear what any other
woman is wearing; needs to take you
from 10am in a church to 2am in a
“nightclub environment” while also
fitting in with any “theme” — without
also having to make that outfit a
“four seasons, all-terrain” job, as if the
wedding were part of your Duke of
Edinburgh Award Scheme
orienteering weekend.
You’ll note that, while England and
Wales are legalising outdoor weddings,
Scotland — which has weather with
even more “personality” — is staying
quiet, for now. Canny move. Let the
English and the Welsh work out
exactly how to make this all work,
before also saying: “I do.”There has been something of a hoo-ha
after a woman voiced an opinion —
and on child-rearing, to boot. I know,
I know — bitches should know better
than that by now. But, here we are —
I guess someone didn’t get the memo.
The foolish thought-haver is the
pop star Pink, who mentioned in the
indecent interview that she has
decided that her ten-year-old daughter
Willow “isn’t ready yet” to have her
own mobile phone.
After the publication of these
thoughts, inevitably, all those parents
who have let their ten-year-olds have
mobile phones became very
defensive about the issue (“Why
raise your children pretending we
still live in 1602?”) — which then
enraged all the parents who
haven’t (“Why would I give my
child a device that connects her
to a moral open sewer?”). And
so another terrible, divisive day
passed by on social media.
Obviously, I’m a live-and-let-
live kinda woman and
genuinely don’t care either way.
Personally, I decided to get my
daughters mobile phones on the
day I spent — as was my custom
— ten weary minutes bellowing
“YOUR TEA’S READY!” up the
stairs, to no avail, only for the
doorbell to ring and my next-door
neighbour to chirp, cheerfully, as
I opened the door: “Is it chips?”
She’d made her point about
communication and volume levels
in our house very eloquently. The
next day, I got both kids phones and
just texted “FOOD” at 6pm.UP
Pink
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Outdoor
weddings