known as being manipulatedis to respond to what people are doing with-
out trying to explain to them what they’re doing.
BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU WANT, AND WHAT YOU’RE
WILLING TO DO. There is no way another person can deny yourfeelings.
If you have to talk about the emotional bind people like Rachel put you in,
do it something like this:
“Rachel, when you say you’re a burden, I feel stuck. If I go do
what I need to do, it’s almost as if I’m admitting that you are a
burden. If I stay and try to convince you that you’re not a bur-
den, then I have to cancel my own plans, and then I get upset.
“I know that none of this is your intention, because you
did tell me to go ahead. Still, I end up feeling like the kind of
person who lets down a friend in need. But I guess that’s my
problem, isn’t it?”There are times that addressing the issue in this way can clear the
air between people who are close. Rachel has a face saving out, and you
get to leave without feeling selfish.
Generally, it works better to skirt the issue altogether. Just tell Rachel
what you’re willing to do, and let the guilt fall where it may.
“Rache, I have some errands to run, but I’ll be free at 7:30. Call
me and we can talk then.”Schedule appointments.Take a tip from your friendly neighborhood
therapist. We have regularly scheduled times to talk with our clients, and
we discourage emergency calls when there is no immediate danger. This
is mostly for our own benefit, of course, but it’s also the most helpful thing
we can do for explosive people like Rachel.
Step back and look at the larger picture. Rachel’s emergencies are
usually overreactions to day-to-day frustrations. She replays events in her
mind, expanding their implications and making herself more depressed
with each retelling. Eventually she feels she can’t take it anymore, so she
picks up the phone and calls you, since I’m not in.
The Psychology of Depression ❧ 185