in terms of what you want the angry person to do, not what you want them
not to do.Zack’s wife will have far more success getting him to do house-
work than in having him stop getting so angry whenever she brings it up.
Positive goals imply that you need to take some action to achieve
them. Negative goals are often merely a wish that you can continue doing
what you’ve always done, and the other person’s response will miraculously
be different.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE. Once you know your objec-
tive, you can choose how and when to ask for it. Make sure there is suffi-
cient time and space to maneuver; you can’t negotiate with a cornered
animal. Don’t bring up important issues when the other person is going out
the door, and never, ever, discuss inflammatory issues in the car or in bed!If
there is an angry person in your life, negotiate to have these areas declared
demilitarized zones.
The best way to get Zack to do housework is to ask him in advance,
and bargain for specific tasks at specific times. It’s been my experience that
women have a hard time with this. For women, household tasks are an
ongoing process without beginning or end. They see something that needs
doing and they do it, then move on to the next thing. No one tells them
to wash dishes, vacuum the carpet, or put in a load of laundry. They see
the task and do it with little separation between the two, almost like Zen.
Men are generally unable to achieve this level of awareness. They can
be taught to do housework, but need to be told what, where, and when,
but never how. The goal you will not be able to achieve, at least all at once,
is for men to do household tasks as well as you would. This is a completely
separate objective. You must get them doingbefore there is a prayer of
having them done correctly. Remember, one battle at a time.
“Zack,” his wife says, “I need about 15 minutes to talk over an
important issue. Is this a good time?”
Zack’s face is already beginning to grow red. “What is it?”
She smiles. “If this is a good time, I’d be happy to tell
you, but I don’t want to start if you’re getting ready to do some-
thing else.”
“What kind of manipulative game are you playing?” he
says. “Just tell me what you want to talk about.”252 ❧Explosions into Anger