MEL’SWORLD
8 OCTOBER 2019|COMPUTERSHOPPER|ISSUE 380
Biotapestryoflies
IAMAgenius. Iamavisionary.
Iamone of the world’s greatest
computer entertainment
pioneers. And more,much more
than this, Idid it my way.
Am Idelusional? Am Imaking
idle boasts? Not at all. It must
all be true,because it says so
right here in this proposal fora
biography of my lifeand work in
computer entertainment. And it’s
not any old biography of the
vanity publishing ilk. Oh no,this is
areal-deal biography all about my
long lifeand my short fuse.Yes, a
real-deal book, with pages and
covers and photos and coffee
stains and everything.
It has been commissioned by
Bloomsbury USA, which styles
itself as the leading global
publishing house of academic
shelf-benders, and they’ve slotted
me in among the topfive most
influential videogame designers in
the world. In fact, Iamnext in line
to good old Shigeru Miyamoto, of
Super Mario Bros, DonkeyKong
and The Legend of Zelda fame.
He was named amongTime
magazine’s 100 Most Influential
People,and here’s me not even
among the 100 Most Influential
People down my local pub.
THEBUCKSTOPSHERE
If you want to buy acopy, you’ll
have to wait until it’s been
written, and you’ll also have to
save up 80 bucks forthe
hardback, or 25 forthe
paperback, or whatever it is
theyscrew people forebooks
these days. In other words, you’ll
either have to be bonkers or
spending someone else’s money
in the university library.
My biographer is avery tall
academic from the University of
Prague,whose name is made up
of all the Scrabble letters that
nobody wants. He has been
lecturing unfortunate
multinational students about
my work fortwo decades now,
and he seems to think Iam
responsible for‘messianistic
software’, not to mention the fall
of communism. He is, of course,
wrong. What he does not know is
that my real claim to fame is the
fact Ican roller-skateand play
the accordion at the same time.
Nothing more,nothing less, but
it sure beats videogames.
Anyway, my Czech-mateis
flying in forthree days of
in-depth interviews, armed with
his commission from Bloomsbury
USA and arecording device.I
have arranged forhim to stayin
the very best accommodation
that Airbnb can provide on £
anight, boasting ashared
bathroom and the distinct
possibility of toilet paper.Iwill let
him take me out forseveral pints
at my above-mentioned local pub,
and Iwill rely on amixture of
jetlag and beer to pinpoint his
most vulnerable moment,
exploit it and try to convert
the final chapter of his book
intoafree advert formylatest
project. Forthis strategy,Iwill
need an Irish setter,apacket of
crisps and ablonde.Trust me,it
works every time.
The thing about the history of
computing and videogames is
that it’s written by historians. And
the thing about historians is they
were not actually present when
and where history was being
made.Sowhen the definitive
history of my contribution to the
videogames industry appears, it is
bound to be an interpretation of
my own half-remembered truth,
mangled and remoulded to fit
whatever the author wished to
set out to prove in the first place.
The technical term forthis is ‘a
load of old bollocks’.Was Ithe
founder of the first videogames
company in the UK? Quite
possibly,but it was by accident.
Did Imake the first broadcasts
of computer games via radio?
Very probably,but Ithought I
was producing apub quiz at the
time.Did Iproduce the first
computerised treasure hunt that
involved geocaching? Certainly,
but it was only away to mask
what Iwas really trying to do,
which was to sell more of my
crummy music on audio
cassettes. In fact, all of my
so-called industry firsts were the
unintended consequences of
accident or idiocy,and Inever
had aclue what Iwas doing.
But that wouldn’t make much of
abiography formybiographer
to writeorfor future generations
to study,would it?
CLEANCUTS
Idon’t want to wastemy
biographer’s time,and Idon’t
want to disappoint his readers,
so Iwill do my best to busk my
waythrough these interviews
and try to answer his questions
not as truthfully as Iwould like,
but as entertainingly as Ican. I
will try not to libel anyone,and
Iwill try to be sparing in my
use of obscenities.
Iwill undoubtedly obfuscate
and contradict myself,but only
because Iwant to appear more
important and more successful
than Iactually am, which is not
important or successful at all.
And in doing so,Iwill be no
different from any lauded and
applauded genius, visionary and
great computer entertainment
pioneer.Weare all charlatans. We
are all figleafsofthe imagination.
Dear future reader,you should
embrace the undeniable truth
that Iamnot the messiah. Iam
avery naughty boy.
MEL CROUCHER
Tech pioneer and all-round good egg
[email protected]
Iwill rely on amixtureofjetlag and beer to pinpointmybiographer’s
mostvulnerable moment, exploit it and try to convert the final chapter
of his book into afreeadvert formylatestproject
Anew biographycould finally bringMelCrouchertherecognition he deserves.But will
it mentionhisabilitytoroller-skateandplaythe accordionatthe same time?
