I get exhausted. I think I do not want to “work” or to be self-reliant
any longer. I think about how I’m not alone in feeling this. I don’t
think men ever think quite this the way women do.You get to an age
and you think it was meant to be better than this. Maybe that is what
you’re “meant” to feel.Pamela says she doesn’t look in the mirror any more. I do. I stare in
the mirror and watch my wrinkles deepen and wonder if philosophy
is consolation. Pamela says “I’ll be 40 in 6 months.” See, everybody
cares.You think other people don’t stoop to this.Look in the mirror. (As women do: self as object.) Good bones,
don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t drink much, get lots of rest, eat well,
do yoga, go for walks, it all helps, it doesn’t help. I thought something
would stop this from happening, it wouldn’t happen to me. I’m not
even meant to think of this til I’m 39.You get to an age and you think
it was meant to be better than this. This isn’t the way I’m meant to
be. I’m meant to be younger, and richer.I’d really like to turn this into a deep and poignant and wise pre-mid-
life assessment. I want to sum up, and look forward. I want to have
realisations and plans.If I were a man this would be about how I’ll now let myself cry and
let myself love children and understand women and smell the roses.
It would be about putting my achievements in perspective and being
ready to do the mature works and be serious about sex and not
waste time and value the moments.A new spinster can only say about having to make up your own way
to be, all the wisdom that cannot make her wise.You don’t want to age and you don’t want to die, and then you realise
this is not startling and extraordinary but only banal.At some time in
your life you have the mortality experience: you realise you’re only a
human being and you’re going to die. You have the immortality
experience too, you realise you’re more, and you’re not.Then the phone rang. Joy keeps in touch with a phone call every few
months. Your life could end up a matter of knowing only the people
who kept on calling.We talked about living alone and related matters,
such as men. She said “You think deeply when you’re on your own.198 The Writing Experiment