the times Saturday April 9 20228 Body + Soul
After two decades
together, hopefully
you know each
other well enough
to be honest
the things you would like
to change.
Most importantly, you
need to be specific about
what you want from him.
Telling a man you have
been married to for 20
years that you want more
exciting sex, or that you
want him to turn you on
more, is too vague and, frank-
ly, unfair. Approach it in a
different way. Be explicit and
say exactly what it is that
you want him to do. If you
want more oral sex, say so.
If you want him to slow
down or speed up, or try a
new position, say so. If
you want to try sex toys, say
so. The less he has to second-
guess what it is you want,
the more likely it is that you
will get what you need.
Send your questions
to weekendsex@
thetimes.co.ukcombination of opportunity, experience
and self-acceptance can increase sexual
curiosity. Throw in a little hormonal chaos
and you have yourself a full-blown midlife
sexual awakening. It can sometimes mean
a surge in libido. It doesn’t happen to all
women, and it can come as a shock at a
time of life when many women are expect-
ing their appetite for sex to go into decline.
You are lucky that your newly discov-
ered sexual confidence is happening
within a happy marriage, and after two
decades together, hopefully the two of you
know each other well enough to be honest.
Even if you have not up until now talked
much about sex, it is never too late to start.
Yes, striking up a conversation about sex
always feels a bit awkward at first, but
once you start the conversation, things
generally feel a lot easier.
It is often better to introduce things
incrementally. After all, this will be out
of the blue to him, whereas you have
already had a lot of time to think about
it, so give him some time to tune in and
catch up. Rather than throwing a single
shopping list of sexual demands at him,
have several smaller conversations aboutQ
I’ve been with my
husband for 20 years.
I don’t know if it’s
because I’ve become more
confident with age, or that
I didn’t think about what I
really wanted in bed when
I was younger, but I want to
be clearer with my husband
about what turns me on. I
don’t want him to feel that
he’s been doing it wrong all
this time.
Suzi Godson
Sex counsel
I want better sex.
How do I tell him?
A
I bet sex is not the only aspect of
your life that has changed in the
past 20 years. You may have
experienced pregnancy, child-
birth and parenting — and possibly grief,
job changes and losses along the way. You
may be back to an empty nest by now, or
close to it. Big life-changes change you too,
so it is not surprising that what you want at
45 is different from what you wanted at 25.
Sex is no exception. In your twenties sex is
about experimentation, learning about
yourself and everyone else. In your thirties
it is more likely to be about intimacy and
stability. In your forties and fifties, when
the demands of parenting may diminish,
you suddenly have an opportunity to
rediscover yourself. The person you re-
acquaint with is wiser, more resilient and
more confident.
Midlife allows men and women to be
more at ease with themselves in a way they
often weren’t when they were younger.
I’ve seen this especially with younger
women, who can be very self-critical, but
by the time the menopause is on the hori-
zon they have started to be more accepting
of themselves. For women in midlife theMen’s health
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