E14 EZ EE THE WASHINGTON POST.SUNDAY, APRIL 10 , 2022
Dear Amy: We
are a family of
seven siblings, all
in our 60s.
My brother
“Brian” and sister-
in-law lost their teenage
daughter to a sudden medical
event in 2014.
Brian, his wife and two
surviving children have been
rocked to the core and have
sought individual and peer
support grief counseling. They
continue to manage with grace.
In 2017, our sister “Susan”
(who lives across the country)
called Brian on a day he was
feeling deeply sad. Otherwise, it
was a normal day — his son was
helping to pack Brian’s car for
the work trip he was taking that
afternoon, and neighbors were
clustered on the sidewalk,
participating in a local
gardening project.
Susan contacted another
sister, “Stella,” with concerns
that Brian was suicidal. Without
contacting Brian, his wife,
anyone else in the household, or
any other local family members
or neighbors, Stella phoned the
local police for a “wellness”
check. She alerted the
authorities that our brother, a
hunter, owns guns.
The police showed up, guns
locked and loaded — and
wearing flak vests. They
handcuffed Brian in front of his
neighbors, put him in a squad
car and took him to the local ER,
where his RN daughter was
working in the ICU.
He passed the evaluation and
was home within hours but
missed his flight for the trip.
Brian was furious with these
two sisters for launching this
intervention. Susan and Stella
have subsequently not talked to
him or anyone else in the family
for five years. They demand an
apology for having saved our
brother’s life.
They accuse us all of
“triangulation” for not
supporting their decision. It has
impacted every possible family
event: weddings, birthdays,
holidays, baby showers, funerals,
family reunions, vacations and
casual gatherings. They boycott
the annual family reunion.
Can’t sadness and parental
grief and despondency bediscussed, managed and
supported, without launching a
paramilitary response?
— Surviving SisterSurviving: Your two sisters
misread and overreacted to your
brother’s situation in the
moment, and I agree that they
have handled things very badly,
especially in the aftermath of
this episode.
It’s ironic that they both cared
so much for your brother’s
welfare, and they are reacting to
their own actions by not caring
at all for his welfare now.
They might have said to“Brian”: “We were panicking. We
had no idea of what the police
response would be, and we feel
terrible for putting you through
additional trauma and strain.
We’re so sorry!”
Instead, they are doing what
people who feel cornered by
their mistakes often do: They are
doubling down.
Because you are the one who
wrote to me, I think you should
make an effort to reach out to
these sisters — on your own and
representing only your point of
view. If they want to come to the
family table, they will have to
find a way, and you can offer tohelp — but you cannot do it for
them.
Brian, of course, gets to make
his own choice regarding any
contact with these sisters.Dear Amy: I am a financially
independent adult.
My parents raised me
Catholic, but they know that I
left the church a long time ago.
What can I do about them
proselytizing to me?
Should I just ignore their
texts? Should I ask them to stop?
I left Catholicism a long time
ago and don’t care to return.
— Gay SonSon: To point out the obvious,
you may believe that the
Catholic Church may have left
you before you left the church.
Yes, you should ask your
parents to stop proselytizing to
you. Tell them that when they do
this, it pushes you further away
from them. If you have left the
church but retained your
Christian faith, they might be
relieved if you told them this.
If they continue, yes — ignore
these texts, but don’t ignore your
parents. They may be afraid that
they are losing you (or have
already lost you), and their
efforts are misguided and
misapplied.Dear Amy: Regarding your “Best
Of” column about dragging a
refusing teenager on “one last
family vacation,” I’m on the
teen’s side.
I hated family vacations. My
parents fought nonstop and
because I was the oldest, I had to
look after the younger ones.
When I was 17, I stopped going
on vacation (I had a job), and it
gave me some peace and quiet.
— Relieved!Relieved!: This scenario was one
I hadn’t anticipated, and yes — it
sounds like a real trial for you.Amy's column appears seven days a
week at washingtonpost.com/advice.
Write to [email protected]
or Amy Dickinson, P.O. Box 194,
Freeville, N.Y. 13068. Y ou can also
follow her @askingamy.© 2 022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by
Tribune Content AgencySisters won’t admit they were wrong in reporting brother as suicidal to police
Ask Amy
AMY
DICKINSON
Dear Carolyn:
I’m very lucky to
live close to my
sister, whom I
love being
around, but I am
having a hard
time with her
husband. He talks
often about his
stressful career and all his
money. He works from home at
a very lucrative tech job that
provides him ample time to be
around his family.
My husband works with at-
risk youth in a job that has
become even more physically
and emotionally taxing for all of
us during covid. I’m really
proud of the sacrifices my
family has made so that my
husband can do the meaningful
work he does, and I want to be
sympathetic to whatever stress
my brother-in-law feels in his
day-to-day, but my well has run
dry. I think he’s trying to
impress us but he really doesn’t
get his audience.
Is there a way to tactfully
bring this up to him? Or can you
provide some motivating new
perspective so that I can be
more sympathetic?
— All Out of [Figs]
All Out of [Figs]: Maybe he’s
trying to impress you, sure. He
could also hate his job, though.
Genuinely. Good money and
good hours are nothing to scoff
at, of course, but they alone
can’t give a job meaning,
purpose or a soul.
They don’t take stress away,
either, necessarily; they just
factor into the calculation of
how much stress to put up with
for how long.
In fact, good pay and flexible
hours can become the “golden
handcuffs” that keep, say,
devoted parents in jobs they
loathe — because finding work
with the same kid-friendly
schedule that supports the
family and builds the nest egg
and that’s also morally
rewarding can feel like hunting
unicorns.
So instead of assuming the
worst — then resenting him for
it — shake things up by
assuming the best. “Sounds like
your job is getting to you. What
do you wish you were doing?” If
you get a brushoff: “I mean it.
Dream a little.” You’re either
bonding or calling BS, win-win.
Also consider the who’s-
impressing-whom energy runs
the other way. Your husband
sounds like an everyday hero —
and maybe your brother-in-law
is not feeling so great about
himself by comparison, and
maybe that comes out of his
mouth as, “Ugh, my stressful
job!” Because many of us aren’t
great at identifying exactly what
we don’t feel great about, much
less articulating it.
It’s a theory. But even if it’s— AnonymousAnonymous: Yes. For the love of
all that is holy, beg her to leave
the teachers alone — and treat
her anxiety medically, because
she’s miserable. “The other
parents love their kids, too.
Imagine if all of them called this
much?”
I realize this runs against my
decades of butt-out advice. But
good teachers are quitting in
droves due in part to pressure
from parents. There comes a
time when it’s necessary to
[tick] friends off for the greater
good. This is one of them. Thank
you.Hi, Carolyn: I was diagnosed
with breast cancer this week. I
have a treatment plan, and I am
confident I can mentally deal
with it. The thing I cannot do
presently is to be sympathetic or
help solve other people’s
problems or complaints, like I
did in the past.
Only my close family is aware
of my predicament. Do you have
suggestions on how to deal with
this without telling everyone
about the disease?
— AnonymousAnonymous: The reasons to be
a good listener, respectful
confidant and supportive friend
aren’t just that they’re the right
thing to do.
They're also a foundation forwhen you need these things
from your friends.
Having respected their limits
in the past makes it so much
easier to say, when needed: “I
can’t be your shoulder right
now. Please trust that I have my
reasons — I’m not ready to share
them.” Say this any way you
want, of course, but include
these two points: You aren’t
your usual sympathetic self and
won’t say why.
Stand firm: “Please respect
my choice.”
Unfortunately, this is when
some people learn their
“friends” are there only to
receive support from you, not
provide it to you. I hope that’s
not the case here. But if it is,
then phrasing your request just
right wouldn’t change anything
anyway. All you can do is spell
out what you need using only
the information you’re willing to
share, and hope they prove
themselves to have been worthy
of your friendship and
sympathy.
I’m sorry about your
diagnosis, and hope the news
gets better soon.Write to Carolyn Hax at
[email protected]. Get her
column delivered to your inbox each
morning at wapo.st/gethax. Join the discussion live at noon
Fridays at washingtonpost.com/live-
chats.When he gripes about his lucrative job, try comforting instead of confronting
Carolyn
Hax
way off, I doubt your
relationship with this couple
will suffer for your effort to see
him in a kinder light.Dear Carolyn: A dear friend is a
steam-shovel mom. With covid
numbers down and after much
pressure from her husband and
parents, she’s let her kid “try” areturn to school. It’s not been
smooth (understandable after
two years away) and she jumps
in at everything, telling the
teacher what to do, calling the
principal. I don’t think she’s
helping her kid and it’s super
hard to listen to. Is there
anything I can do besides
rushing off the phone?NICK GALIFIANAKIS/ILLUSTRATION FOR THE WASHINGTON POSTMIKE DU JOUR B Y MIKE LESTERS0136-6x3.75“A leafy enclave”Discover great area
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