88 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
Learning to take turns, engage in give and take conversations, share possessions
for the good of the group, and even to care about the impressions of one’s
peers are all relatively new skills (Gifford-Smith & Brownell, 2003).
A strong factor in a child’s acceptance or rejection by peers has to do with
language skills (Menting, van Lier, & Koot, 2011). Menting et al. found that
higher levels of externalizing behavior (aggression, etc.) among Dutch chil-
dren from kindergarten to fourth grade were associated with poor receptive
language skills and peers’ rejection. This is important to understanding loss in
two ways. When children experience a loss, they have varying ways of express-
ing their hurt and fear, particularly at younger developmental stages. Younger
children may act out aggressively (or alternatively withdraw) in ways that
create peer rejection. This then creates a second loss as bereaved children now
lose the social support cushion that can promote resiliency via peer friend-
ships (Criss, Pettit, Bates, Dodge, & Lapp, 2002). In later elementary school,
this peer network is used more for distraction and engagement with other
activities than to verbally process feelings about loss (Christ, 2000). In either
case, impairment in communicative abilities, or a tendency to act aggressively,
will limit a bereaved child’s ability to mobilize support after a loss, leaving
him or her vulnerable to grief complications. Notably, tightening school bud-
gets and “return to basics” educational policies mean that many children live
in school districts where classes are large and educating students is secondary
to keeping them off the street and giving only a modicum of needed math-
ematical and communication skills (Carlson, 2008). These conditions do not
promote the optimal education of students much less provide the emotional
support bereaved children need.LOSS EXPERIENCED BY AN INDIVIDUAL DURING THE ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL YEARS
Impacts and Perceptions of Loss for Elementary School-Aged Children
The developmental processes described above have great bearing on how chil-
dren understand loss as well as the tools they have available to cope with it.
Whereas younger children have few tools for processing a loss and benefit
most from the security of a steady and nurturing caregiver, school-aged chil-
dren have a variety of newly developed skills and resources for processing the
loss and for gaining support. Developmental age and stage define a child’s
experience of loss. While this seems self-evident, it must be emphasized that as
children continue to develop, they must rework the loss using their new, more
mature understanding. Children who lose a sibling or parent in toddlerhood
will need to rework this loss at both earlier and later maturational stages in
elementary school (as well as over their lifespan). As children begin to imag-
ine the future in later elementary school, they are likely to re-experience their
previous loss or losses, realizing that graduations, learning to drive, and so
forth, will all happen without the deceased loved one. These secondary losses,
as they are recognized, need acknowledgment and some degree of mourning
from the new developmental level, with its new skills in language, abstraction,
and symbolic thought.