104 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
she wanted to know but couldn’t read; she never asked me about my inter-
ests or what I did in school. While my mother remained very traditional, I
Americanized. We have so little in common now that there is little talk between
us. When she drives me home from school, we sit in silence. I find myself say-
ing only what is necessary because it has become harder to talk to her. In learn-
ing English, I traded in much of the Vietnamese I knew.
“I will readily admit I am envious of my peers. They didn’t have to cook
or know all the complexities of a phone bill. I envy their long, carefree child-
hoods. I want to have memories of my mother talking to me about how I liked
school, of her coming to my concerts and award assemblies, and of her having
long conversations with me. I want her to know what is really going on in my
life. I want to feel I was a child.
“I realize children of immigrant families are forced to grow up faster, but
when I stood at the airport, I didn’t realize I would have to trade in my child-
hood and relationship with my mother to get on the plane. I don’t like looking
back and remembering that I made myself feel sad because that’s what hap-
pens in the movies.”
* * *Huong is not alone in envisioning life in the United States as what she
saw depicted in American movies. Losing contact with her father was only the
first of many losses that she suffered on the way to reconciling to life in the
United States.
Idealized images of the United States are probably the least significant of
the losses that children like Huong, the writer of the above essay, suffer when
they and their families emigrate. Loss of access to family members (sometimes
parents) and being removed from communities, food, and routines that are
familiar and comfortable are just the beginning. Overspreading every aspect
of a child’s life is the requirement to live and communicate in a language that
does not feel like “home.” All of these processes can be at least as stressful as
the physical move from one country to another.
Even more daunting are the psychological and social losses—as Huong
notes, childhood is abruptly ended, role reversals happen between parents
and children, and the expectation of a new personal and cultural identity can
exact a heavy toll on children who emigrate to a new world. The resilience
of such children is often not recognized or celebrated and successes often go
unnoticed as children are pushed to Americanize as rapidly as possible.
Despite the deeply disruptive picture that immigration can paint for chil-
dren and young adults, many do, in fact, thrive. Often there is a history of
hard work and physical and financial hardships that have served as practice
for the rigors of navigating a new world. Although each child who arrives as
an immigrant has his or her own unique story, there are experiences of loss
that are shared despite differences in countries of origin, immigration circum-
stances, and family configurations.
One of the immediate losses that shapes an immigrant child’s experience
is the disappearance of a “home base.” Writers about immigrants often divide
them into voluntary (moving to a new country by choice, no matter how hard
that choice may be) and involuntary immigrants (those who have no choice
but to move, due to reasons of war, famine, or other disaster). For children,