108 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
give up their cultural identities—both negative and positive aspects—far more
quickly than is realistic. Teachers are often blindsided by immigrant students
who erupt in frustration or anger, and who have not yet acquired the language
to explain why they are upset.
Uprooting is difficult for anyone, but for children and students, there
are ways that can help make the process go more smoothly and exact fewer
social and psychological tolls. Some of those strategies are outlined in more
detail below. Valuing the language and life experience of newcomers goes a
long way toward helping children and students reconfigure their identities.
The presence of a “significant other”—someone who provides a point of
sympathy and stability, someone who plays a pivotal role in helping immi-
grant children and students adjust to living in a strange new world—can be
the difference between a miserable transition and one that is difficult, but
doable. Despite memories of a painful transition, Huong is now a successful
young adult with multiple educational degrees, professional employment that
she enjoys, and a strong relationship with her mother, albeit still somewhat
businesslike. It is not the “happily ever after” of an American movie plot, but
an example of an ongoing story of intertwined losses and hopes, emblematic
of the experiences of immigrant children.SUMMARY
Children in elementary school change rapidly. Much of their psychosocial
growth relates to moving from the family environment to the bigger world as
they enter school. Normal maturational (and developmental) losses occur as
a result of being judged by teachers and peers instead of being uncondition-
ally loved (ideally) in one’s home. This means that children experience gains
as they navigate these challenges and develop a sense of self-efficacy, or may
experience a sense of failure if they are unable to negotiate these changes. These
judgments by teachers and peers can be very challenging when a child has a
disability or other difference that creates a separation from the peer group.
Children like Ashley who are living with HIV have a hidden difference that
may make them feel estranged even when they seem well integrated in their
schools. For children who move from another country, these losses are inten-
sified as norms are different, language is different, and often these children
are being leaned on by parents for support instead of the other way around.
Schools need to assure adequate support staff like social workers, school
nurses and trained teachers so that children have the supports they need.
When children in this age group lose a parent, sibling, pet, or other
significant relationship, they have varied abilities to cope. During kindergarten
and first grade, they may not have enough verbal facility to process feelings of
loss and may withdraw or become hostile or aggressive if the loss is more than
they can process. As they grow, they may be less willing to overtly express
emotion, but have more ability to verbally process the loss and cope by
holding on to important memories and linking objects.