194 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
In addition to the reparative effects of a strong working alliance with a
worker, the following interventions are helpful for survivors of IPV:- Provide information about the existing legal options, such as filing a
criminal complaint, and civil options, such a protection from abuse order.
In addition, information should be provided about community resources
such as 24-hour hotlines and emergency shelters. - Even in a first session with a survivor, it is very important to create a safety
plan that she can use in the face of future violence and threats. An exam-
ple of a safety plan can be found at the website for the National Coalition
against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/SafetyPlan
.php. When creating this plan with a client, it is often helpful to make a
distinction between deciding to separate temporarily to be safe, from any
later decision about whether to end the relationship. - Teach strategies for calming down a hyperaroused nervous system while
recognizing the limits of those strategies when the victim is, in fact, still not
safe. One method that helps to activate the parasympathetic, or “braking”
branch of the nervous system, is a method of deep breathing where the
exhalation is twice as long as the inhalation. - Recognize that the survivor is almost always ambivalent to some degree
about ending the relationship with the abusive partner and, therefore, will
need support to express all of her conflicting feelings. In Jane’s words,
“Part of me knew I couldn’t take him back but part of me knew I was
working toward making it ok to take him back.” Resist the urge to infan-
tilize her and tell her what she should do. A more respectful and empow-
ering intervention is to help the client weigh the pros and cons of various
courses of action. - Assist the client to mourn any losses associated with the ending of the rela-
tionship with her partner, including the hopes that she had at the begin-
ning. In Jane’s case, her parents divorced when she was the same age as
her oldest child and she was particularly grief-stricken that she could not
provide her own children with the experience of growing up in a loving
household with two parents. - Provide psychoeducation about a number of topics (the “Information”
part of a RICH relationship) including, but not limited to: normal effects
of repeated trauma on the nervous system, the very real harm caused by
psychological abuse, the typical progression of IPV if the abuser refuses
to seek help, the community and legal resources, and books and websites
written by other survivors of IPV. - As described earlier, survivors have typically internalized the negative and
harsh views that their partners have toward them and therefore, they can
actually be distrustful of others who seem to have more positive views of
them, including their workers. One of the approaches that Jane and others
have found helpful is to have the worker state calmly that he or she has not
seen evidence of a particular negative quality in their interactions with the
client. - Warn clients that their partner’s physical and emotional abuse will not
automatically end if the partner receives counseling and/or stops abusing
substances. In the case of co-occurring IPV and substance abuse, workers