230 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
was diminished and stifled for too many years. I not only found it, but I’m
gaining strength!
I have mentioned some of the interventions I used. I had a therapist
I stayed with through the years I went through the depression and aftermath.
I had my last meeting with her after tapering off for the last year or so.
I also did a lot of spiritual work. The breaking open of heart and soul
leaves one open to find a greater calling, more compassion and, if lucky, a
bigger heart than ever before, because of the breaking open. I had a choice,
to become bitter and lonely or to become open and loving. I decided, actually
was easily led, to a place where I could work on growing my heart. I made
an altar in my home, began to study mantra and meditation, and breathing
techniques, and learned to chant in Gurmukhi and to pray to God/Goddess/
beloved. I began to feel bliss in this connection and have been able to explore
my spirituality in ways that my (ex-) husband would have thought were
“weird” and “out there.” I know we are all connected, all one, all loved. And,
I feel that my work is to shine that light in all that I do, wherever I go. I work
with teenagers and I feel I get to do very important soul work with them as
I encourage them and support their paths. It is a calling.
Currently, I’m in a Kundalini yoga teacher training where I am deepen-
ing my body, mind, spirit connection through yoga, pranayama, and mantra. It
is an amazing practice as I travel, skipping with joy, further down this spiritual
path. As I journey, I am closer to finding my own way, my deepest and sincer-
est sense of self, and my connection with the One. I am more compassionate,
more intuitive, more knowing and more confident. I am stronger in my body,
mind, and soul.
There are days when I still miss my old life. I long to be a “mother”
again whose children are close enough to be part of their physical lives. I even
imagine playing with grandchildren. It is not so much the husband I miss,
as that that part of life is done; karma served. In fact, I’m ready to reach out
to another relationship. Finally I started to pray in gratitude for my husband
(to-be), as though he is already here. I know what qualities are important to
me, and I offer thanks to God for bringing me this wonderful person with
these qualities that I have identified through the distilling of what I know to
be important—through the gift of introspection, time, and work that I’ve done
these past 4 years. I know God will bring me what’s best for me, I trust in that.
And, I’m smiling as I think of all the good times yet to come. I’m ready for that
joy and my heart is open to possibilities.
What else do I know? I know that divorce is not fun at any age, but par-
ticularly not at the confluence of menopause and empty nest. I know that I am
strong enough to deal with huge yuckdom and come out on the other side with
a joyful heart. I cannot express the immense gratitude I have for this progress. I
found my way not through drugs, drinking, or even prescriptions. I found my
way not through denial, or anger and hatred, or jealousy. While I did experi-
ence pain and loss and all elements of grief, I found my way to love and spiritu-
ality, trusting my connection to spirit far greater and more loving than earthly
bonds. I am grateful for finding like-minded souls. I don’t know where this all
will ultimately lead me, but I trust that my life is blessed as I surrender to the
flow of life and the faith that we are all held lovingly through all of our days.