2 Perinatal Attachment and Loss 55I felt guilty and sad about the loss of our five babies, but I tried my best to
focus on the two healthy babies growing inside of me. I started talking to them
and trying to feel like it was a “normal” pregnancy. We finally told people out-
side of our family that we were having twins (which never really sat well with
me, because in my mind they would always be septuplets. Calling them twins
would be denying the existence of their five siblings, but what else were we to
call them?). This also helped us to feel somewhat “normal” again. I continued
to not feel great, slightly bleeding, running a temperature in the 99s, and hav-
ing slight cramping in my pelvis/abdomen. I was told multiple times that all
of this was normal.
A week and a half after the reduction, things changed and I began to
feel very sick. My fever went up to 103 and would not come down. I went
to the ER. When they checked the babies they were fine on ultrasound. They
assumed I had a urinary tract infection (UTI), prescribed medication and sent
me home. The same evening I began throwing up, my temperature was 104
and I was brought back to the hospital. Once again, the babies seemed fine.
They believed I had some type of illness unrelated to the pregnancy. Many
tests were run but nothing was found other than an elevated white count.
They monitored me and attempted to keep my fever down for the next 4 days.
The babies continually appeared healthy on ultrasound. There was talk of
whether I had a uterine infection from the selective reduction but the doctors
in the hospital did not believe so.
Eventually, I began to feel very ill and my white count was dropping
pretty low. I decided to call the Selective Reduction doctor to get his opinion.
His response was alarming. He felt with complete certainty that I had a uter-
ine infection from the procedure. He told me that the pregnancy needed to be
ended and that I risked going into septic shock. He called the doctors at the
hospital and within a few hours (in the middle of the night) I had a team of
nurses and doctors prepping for surgery.
The doctor who was going to complete the procedure came in my room
to talk to me prior to my transport to the operating room. He explained why
the procedure needed to be completed and that I was extremely ill. I told him
that I understood. By that time, I felt so ill, I knew that something needed to
be done. Over my 5 days in the hospital, I had begun to think that there was
no way this pregnancy was ever going to be normal and was unsure that these
two babies would ever make it to full term. Even though the decision to end
the pregnancy happened quickly, it was not a shock to me.
The doctor completing the procedure was extremely kind; he pushed me
in my wheel chair to the operating room himself. As he walked and I rode he
said to me “Just remember, I’m doing this now so that I can deliver a healthy
baby for you later.” Somehow those words comforted me. I also was com-
forted by the fact that the septuplets were going to be together again. I knew
that this was the only outcome for this pregnancy. There was no way I would
be able to carry them to 24 weeks. I was so sick and not getting any better.
Immediately following the surgery, I felt a sense of relief for me and for
the babies. We had all gone through so much over the previous 16 weeks and
I felt comfort in knowing there was finally a resolution. I also felt comfort
in knowing that the suffering was over for all of the babies and they were
together again.