The Sunday Times Magazine - UK (2022-04-17)

got to get out of the way, so
you might as well do it now.”
And me? Well, I’d become
especially consumed by one
of the cars in the convoy. It was
called a V90 Cross Country
and it looked pretty good.
The bonnet was long and
graceful, and even though
the ride height was raised
slightly to give it some
off-road ability it had a low,
purposeful stance. I thought
it was very handsome.
In a break from filming
I sat in it for a little while,
and inside it was even better.
The trim and the design of
everything was very Swedish.
It felt light in there and
spacious, and the boot was
huge; one of the biggest of
any car in the world.
When I came home,
I borrowed one from Volvo
and I’ve been using it all week,
and it’s completely faultless.
You can have a plug-in hybrid
if that’s your thing, but as
it isn’t mine — you never know
whether digging up cobalt to
make batteries has involved
child labour — I went for the
B5 petrol, which has a two-litre,
four-cylinder engine that
uses some fuel. How much?
Depends on how you drive.
It also produces enough
horsepowers to get this really
quite large car from 0 to 60 in
7.1 seconds, and that’s fine.
It’s not really about speed,
though. It’s about quietness
and comfort, and it does both
those things beautifully.
And it’s about common sense:
knobs you can adjust while
wearing gloves, sensible
phone charging and a London
taxi turning circle. Off road?
Well, it’s no Range Rover,
but because it has four-wheel
drive it can handle farm tracks
and gymkhana car parks.
And then there’s the safety.
I can give you an interesting fact
on this. From 2004 to 2017,
records show that not a single
person died in a Volvo XC90
as the result of a crash. And I
have to presume you’re just as
well protected in the V90. So
that’s comforting.
This, then, is a car you simply
cannot fault — except of course
for one thing. The elephant
in the room. You have to
tell people you’ve bought
a Volvo, which is the same

when Peter Sutcliffe was still

at large, so my mum and dad

figured she should have a car.

They bought her a Volvo 345,

which was a Dutch-made

hatchback powered by some

rubber bands. I drove it a couple

of times and even now, when

I think about that, I feel pale

and frightened.

In 1994 Volvo tried to change

its dowdy image by launching

a turbocharged road rocket

called the T5. They even went

motor racing with it, and

seeing it come down the main

straight was like watching a

huge tidal wave of Swedish

steel envelop Brands Hatch. It

had a few successes, principally

I suspect because the other

drivers felt compelled simply

to get out of its way.

But the PR onslaught didn’t

really work. People with an

interest in fashion and drinking

and life and sport and having

fun continued to buy Audis

and BMWs instead, and pretty

soon Volvo had to be rescued

by a Chinese operation called

Something or Other.

However, since then, while

I wasn’t paying attention,

Volvo’s image has changed.

I was talking to one of the kids

who works on my farm show

last week. He’s young. Lives in

a super-cool part of London.

Goes to all the right places.

Eats all the right gluten-free

food. And drives a Volvo XC40.

He’s not alone. If you check

out your local supermarket car

park, you’ll notice that all the

badly parked cars, driven by

elderly buffoons, are Beemers

and Audis. The well-parked

cars are all Volvos and they’re

all driven by hot blondes and

young men in tech.

The Swedes, with their

hatred of tall poppies, haven’t

told us this, but they’ve become

the coolest car brand of them

all. So you can have a V90 Cross

Country. And you should n

Engine

1969cc, 4 cylinders,

turbo, petrol

Power

247bhp @ 5400rpm

Torque

258 lb ft @ 1800rpm

Acceleration

0-62mph: 7.4sec

Top speed

112mph

Fuel / CO 2

34.7mpg / 185g/km

Weight

1,930kg

Price

£53,610

Release date

On sale now

Jeremy’s rating

The Clarksometer

Volvo V90 Cross Country B5 (P) AWD

1,543mm

4,959mm 2,052mm

as telling them your penis has

stopped working.

Or is it? Certainly, people my

age will remember a time when

Volvos were bought by bores

and antiques dealers. My dad

had one — a 265 GLE — for

reasons that were entirely

unclear to me, and we called

it Claudia after my mother’s

portly aunt. I refused point-

blank to get in it, ever.

To make matters worse, my

sister was at Leeds University

Price

Power

0-62mph

Top speed

Head

to head

Volvo V90 Cross

Country v Mercedes

E400d 4MATIC

All-Terrain Edition

£53,610

247bhp

7.4sec

112mph

£64,445

340bhp

5.4sec

155mph

People my age will remember a

time when Volvos were bought

by bores and antique dealers

The Sunday Times Magazine • 49