The Times Magazine 5t occurred to me recently that the
most mortifying conversations I ever
had centred around my puberty and
Becoming A Woman. I feel like there
isn’t a single person or organisation
in existence that has found the right
tone to talk to female children about
the fact they’ve begun growing
pubic hair, need a bra or – the big
one – started their periods. I mean, look how
awful that last sentence is. It looks like a list of
incoming admin problems: waxing, shaving,
underwear, tampons. For what is supposed to
be a massive, positive life event, Becoming
A Woman Day is an obvious loser compared
with cool shit like, for example, a birthday.
Or even Pancake Day, to be honest.
The biggest problem with the You’re
Becoming A Woman conversation is that
there will be a point where the adult, trying to
be positive and inspiring, will say something
such as, “Ultimately, it means your body is
preparing to do something wonderful, to one
day, if you want to and meet the right person,
have a baby. Although, obviously don’t do it
yet, for Christ’s sake. And forget everything
you’ve heard me say about episiotomies.
Oh God! Don’t cry! I’m so sorry.”
Motherhood? It’s too soon. Dealing with
blood in your pants is more than enough for
one day. We don’t say to teenage boys who’ve
just discovered masturbation, “Oh, darling, this
means one day you’ll get a woman pregnant!”
We need to find a way to sell the idea of
becoming a woman to girls that makes it
sound like there’s... something in it for them.
Other than the dubious honour of continuing
the human race. Something more them-based.
Here, then, is a list I am providing for
parents to give daughters in the event of
You’re Becoming A Woman Day, none of
which involves sex or reproduction, all of
which sell the joy of becoming an Adult
Woman. Because being an adult woman is
awesome and fun, girls. I promise you.- Women can have their own front door key,
on a chain around their neck, which is the
finest piece of jewellery possible. And they can
go out and come back in through that door at
whatever time they want. - You can go places and do stuff. Whatever
you want, wherever you want. You can wake
up in the morning and decide to cycle to a
nearby town with a bunch of friends, then
I
CAITLIN MORAN
How to become a woman? Here are 9 things to
know (none involves sex or having babies)
ROBERT WILSON
walk around giving dogs marks out of ten for
their legendariness, while eating Battenberg
cake straight from the packet. Or march on
parliament. Or sleep until midday. And that’s
just Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.- Women can form an awesome rock/hip-
hop band with their friends and shred some
amazing power chords while shouting either
feminist slogans (“I CANNOT BE WHAT I
CANNOT SEE!”) or chocolate bar slogans
(“A FINGER OF FUDGE IS JUST ENOUGH
TO GIVE YOUR KIDS A TREAT!”),
depending on the band’s aesthetic. - Women can get a job and start putting
money in a savings account called something
such as “Greek Holiday”,“Electric Scooter”,
“Bongos”, “Horse”, “My Own Lathe” or “The
Revolution”, depending on their future plans. - Women can, once they get to 18, vote
- vote right into the face of whichever
politician they hate the most and put all the
consequent pictures on Instagram captioned:
“JUST DID SOME DEMOCRACY. THANKS,
PANKHURSTS.”
- Women can model themselves on
Theodore Roosevelt’s daughter, Alice, who
had a snake called Emily Spinach, which she
wrapped around her arm and took to parties.
Or Patricia Highsmith, who took snails in her
handbag and fed them lettuce on the coffee
table, saying, “These are my companions for
the evening.” Or Bianca Jagger, who rode round
Studio 54 on a horse. Grown women know
how to handle parties better than men, who
will just hog the stereo, dance really badly,
kick each other up the bum and spill things. - Women can attend karate lessons, which
will make them feel both strong and ninja-like
and unexpectedly provide inspiration for new
and fearsome dance moves. - Women can be in the middle of a crisis
- any crisis – and say, calmly, “I know what to
do.” Because grown women do.
- Grown women can drive around in a car
listening to Public Enemy, jump in lakes, dye
their hair red, go to Iceland, spend a year
dressed as a pirate ballerina, eat chips at 3pm,
start a commune, perfect a tight ten-minute
stand-up routine, talk to horses, change a law,
invent a cocktail, get a whole room dancing,
begin a petition for cheerleading and double
Dutch skipping to become Olympic sports
and, and, and... everything. Yes, Becoming A
Woman means you can give birth – to a list
like this. And you will. You really will. n
‘Grown women can
dye their hair red, go
to Iceland, eat chips
at 3 pm, talk to horses,
change a law and,
and, and... everything’