Here’s something I know from a decade
of dating: no one past the age of 25 gets to
turn up to a first date without a story. It’s
just not possible. Unless you’ve been celi-
bate or living in an underground bunker
your heart will be a cabinet for some tales.
Whether it is a glass-panelled dresser on
display or a secret safe is up to you — but
those stories will be contained somewhere.
It is evidence of a life lived, of love
exchanged, hearts opened and broken,
bodies connected, worlds collided. No one gets to avoid it
and you have no reason to feel embarrassed. It’s just that
your particular experience feels very specific and there-
fore, I imagine, quite isolating. And it’s surrounded by
“discourse” that can be toxic, incurious, unempathetic
and often scary. I’m sorry you have to consider all of this
while looking for love. Dating is hard enough.
I spoke to my friend Alexandra Heminsley in prepara-
tion for writing this column. A few years ago she was told
her then husband was going to transition (and has written
about this, among other experiences, in her beautiful
memoir Some Body to Love). “There is no shame in experi-
encing a sort of grief for the lover you thought you knew,
for memories you are now having to reconfigure,” she says.
“Then there is the all-consuming sense that ‘you should
have known’. But it isn’t that simple — often your partner
doesn’t truly know or has spent decades trying every
possible way to bury that knowledge, safely hidden from
anyone, including them. Because coming out is hard,
especially in the UK, under this government. This doesn’t
mean that feeling naive, or duped, isn’t still grim and
deeply painful. It undermines your sense of knowing what
is real and what isn’t, making you question so much else
about yourself — and future partners.”
There are two ways to talk about your situation and
I think both are entirely valid. The first is not at all. You
don’t owe this information to strangers; it is a piece of
your history that is precious, both for your ex and for you,
and you can guard it as you wish. Some may not handle
it sensitively, either purposely or unknowingly. “People
panic, worried they’re going to be tested on words they Alexandra Cameronhaven’t used or be judged for feelings they
haven’t needed to examine,” Alex tells me.
If you want to avoid these potentially
hurtful conversations, it is completely
understandable that you might want to
hold off until you feel like you have the
measure of a person and know they can
receive your story with care and respect.
But you also have nothing to hide, and
you have every right to talk about your
last relationship with the same candid-
ness of any other story of past love. Who we’ve been with
is a part of who we are, and sharing these stories with
potential partners can be liberating. Not only that, Alex
points out that any negative reaction will save you a lot of
time. “The beauty of our situation is that we have been
gifted a gold-standard filter for rotten future lovers and
friends you can do without. When you mention your ex,
do they leap at the chance to give you their hot take
rather than asking where your feelings are now? Do they
wince at the idea that masculinity might actually be a
little blurrier around the edges than they like to think?
Do they cling to the words they’re comfortable using
rather than asking what others might mean to you, your
ex or anyone beyond themselves? If it’s a yes, you
needn’t order a pudding. Move on!”
Ultimately the right person will see all of your relation-
ship history as something that has formed the person they
met and fell in love with. Your experience with your ex
may seem unusual on the surface but it is in fact incredibly
universal. You loved someone and you lost someone.
You tried to continue to be together, even when things
were changing, but you couldn’t make it work. These
kinds of relationships, even if they break your heart, enrich
a human spirit with new wisdom and understanding. You
loved, listened, tried, learnt and grieved.
I’m going to leave you with some wise parting words
from Alex, which could apply to anyone getting over any
relationship and trying to move on and find love again: “It
must all feel like a horrible mess right now, but trust me,
even if you feel like a building on fire at the moment, in a
while you’ll realise that you were made of steel all along.” ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleFour years into our four-and-a-half-year relationship my ex-boyfriend told
me he felt like he’d always wanted to be a woman. I didn’t see it coming.
We tried to make it work but sadly couldn’t. I moved to London and am
dating again but I’m struggling to be able to talk about this with new
partners and friends, especially after receiving some savage reactions.
Will l ever get over the feeling of embarrassment/humiliation/naivety?42 • The Sunday Times Style*