The Sunday Times Magazine - UK (2022-04-24)

WORDS OF WISDOM

Best advice I was given

Exercise regularly; don’t

go on your phone too

much. Terrific advice

I’ve never actioned

Advice I’d give

I’m a hypocrite, so I’d advise

regular exercise and don’t

go on your phone too much

What I wish I’d known

That it’s fine to be adrift

in your early to mid-

twenties. It’s OK to be

a bit directionless

MATT STRONGE

K

umar was born in

Wandsworth and raised

in Croydon, south

London. He studied

English and history

at Durham University

where he cut his teeth

performing comedy. He is a

regular fixture on shows such

as Mock the Week and Have

I Got News for You? and from

2017 to 2021 he presented the

satirical news show The Mash

Report. He lives in south

London with his girlfriend.

On a typical morning I wake

up at 10 o’clock. Yes, 10. My

girlfriend, who’s a comedy

producer, has already been up

for ages of course. First thing

I do is go and fetch my phone,

which I’ll deliberately have left

in a separate room overnight,

but then back in bed I take a

morning briefing of the news

headlines, like a prime minister

of a country I’ve just invented.

After scrolling through the

headlines I go onto the various

social networks to find out

what men with Union Jacks in

their profile have to say about

me and my comedy. It’s never

positive. It’s devastating to

think that my day begins with

such an actively wanton bit

of self-destruction, isn’t it?

It’s probably the reason my

therapist keeps encouraging

me to have yet more therapy.

At around 11 I have some

coffee, maybe some fruit.

Then I sort of start work,

which essentially means sitting

in front of my computer and

watching YouTube clips of

bloopers from sitcoms from

the mid-2000s. Then maybe

I’ll take a walk. Most of my

ideas come when I’m walking

around town. Luckily I live

in London, where it’s not

uncommon to see people

talking to themselves, but if I

lived in a smaller place I’m sure

I’d be the talk of the village.

Basically, I just wander around

muttering to myself all day.

This, for me, constitutes “work”.

If Croydon has a little cultural

cachet now, it’s probably thanks

to Stormzy, but it wasn’t

gentrified when I was growing

up there in the Nineties. That

said, it was a vibrant example

of multiculturalism. My

parents, who came here from

Kerala in India, wanted me

to be a lawyer or have some

respectable job, but ever since

seeing Ross Noble perform at

an impressionable age, I’ve had

my heart set on showbusiness.

Before I started doing TV

panel shows I was on the

stand-up circuit. I’ve had my fair

share of bad gigs; it goes with

the territory. But no one ever

came up to slap me mid-set, like

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

What I’ve mostly taken away

from that incident is that the

Oscars has worse security than

the Comedy Store.

I grew up idolising people who

did comedy that engaged with

the news, and I think if you do

that, you’re at the risk of ruffling

feathers. My first reaction to

something like, say, Partygate

is often blind fury, but the next

step is to say, OK, how do I turn

this into something funny but

also keep that genuine anger?

While hosting The Mash

Report I received death threats.

The police got involved. I sort of

accidentally became a lightning

rod for people’s anger. There’s

a contradiction in the criticism

about me, I think: that I’m

an ineffectual left-wing

mouthpiece who preaches only

to an echo chamber; and also

someone who has to be removed

from television because I pose

an existential risk to the security

of the British state. It can’t

be both, my friend. I do think

ultimately the problem is there

are some people who believe

I shouldn’t be expressing an

opinion about this country at

all simply because of my race.

Nevertheless, I love my job,

and not just because it allows

me to go to the cinema in the

daytime. That’s my reward for

having done some work: a film

in the afternoon.

After the film I’ll go home,

where my girlfriend and I will

attempt some cooking. But if it’s

been a full day then there’s no

way we’re not getting a takeaway.

The rest of the evening we’ll

watch television. I used to

illegally stream things, but now

I’m a loyal subscriber to pretty

much every streaming service.

There’s a lot to watch; I won’t

go to bed until 2am, which is

fine for me, as you’ll remember

I won’t be getting up until 10am.

It’s like I live in a different time

zone to the rest of the country n

Interview by Nick Duerden.

Nish Kumar’s Your Power, Your

Control is touring the UK now

A LIFE IN THE DAY

Nish Kumar

Comedian, 36

74 • The Sunday Times Magazine*