40 Saturday April 30 2022 | the times
News
Whip 2
Actually we’ve had some positive
sex campaigners get in touch, too.
Chief whip
Not sure I know what one of those is.
Whip 2
Young lady who works in the adult
industry. Performer. Very interested
in getting involved. Says she’s always
watching the House of Commons on
her phone at work.
Chief whip
That’s completely disgusting.
Whip 2
I think she’s been here before. Said
she’d known Big Ben intimately for
years.
Whip 2
Although she might have meant a
different one.
Whip 2
Anyway, she’s begging for me to take
her up the Strangers’ Gallery.
Chief whip
Dear God, man.
Whip 2
Sorry. I see what you mean now.
Chief whip
Anyway, no. Completely
inappropriate. Can you imagine what
it would be like if somebody like that
was seen with a whip?
Whip 2
Don’t have to, boss. She sent me a
video.*According to Hugo RifkindOur Week The Conservative Whip
Pornography WhatsApp Action Group*
Chief whip
Honestly, I’m still not sure you guys
are taking this seriously enough.
According to our female colleagues
this is an endemic culture of
disrespect towards women that
extends to other parties, too.
Whip 1
Well that’s a relief. As long as it’s not
just us.
Whip 2
There’s shocking stuff from Labour.
Apparently one of their Welsh Labour
MPs was told she was a “secret
weapon” because men would want to
sleep with her.
Whip 4
Which one?
Whip 2
I don’t know. Although from their
photos I’ve narrowed it down to about
five.Friday
Chief whip
OK, we’ve got him. But that doesn’t
mean this is over. I’ve spoken to the
PM, and he agrees that the things
we’ve learnt about the House of
Commons this week should spark a
mass debate.
Whip 1
Can’t believe you just said that.
Chief whip
Blast. That’s the problem with this
stuff. It corrupts the mind. Everything
just sounds filthy.Some is. You don’t always need a
credit card.
Suella Braverman
And I think people are behaving like
animals.
Whip 2
Oh, you’ve seen it?
Whip 5
I went to a museum in Amsterdam
once. Astonishing.
Chief whip
It’s just incredibly disrespectful to
women.
Whip 5
And animals.
Chief whip
And it’s a real shame no big names
have called on the perpetrator to
resign, yet.
Chief whip
Except for thingy. Whore from the
Northern Ireland Committee.
Whip 1
Um, boss?
Chief whip
Simon Hoare. That’s the one. Sorry.
Autocorrect.Thursday
Chief whip
OK, we’re decided. They should
definitely lose the whip.
Whip 2
Depends where they lose it, I suppose.
Could be horrendous.
Whip 5
In my day it was a feather duster.What news? Has anybody come
forward yet?
Whip 3
A few people are worried it might be
them but not sure.
Chief whip
How does that work?
Whip 3
Well. A couple of people say they
were watching Basic Instinct. To
understand the Angela Rayner
thing.
Chief whip
Never seen it actually.
Whip 2
I’ve got it on my phone. I’ll bring it
over at PMQs.Wednesday
Chief whip
OK the story is out. And the PM is
furious. He says this could really
affect the party’s reputation,
particularly with women.
Whip 4
What, seriously?
Chief whip
Humour him. Also, a few other
cabinet ministers have asked to join
this group, because they’re concerned,
too.
Nadine Dorries
We should privatise porn.
Whip 1
Hello Nadine. I don’t think it’s
actually public.
Whip 5Monday
Chief whip
OK gang. We’ve got a problem.
Apparently an MP has been watching
pornography in the Commons! We
need to get on top of this.
Whip 1
Was the honourable member
upstanding?
Whip 2
Did it happen during oral questions?
Whip 3
I hope nobody grabbed the mace!
Whip 4
This would never happen in a hung
parliament.
Whip 5
Was he watching an early day
motion?
Whip 1
Wait. What does that one even mean?
Whip 3
I got it. Wipe your search history
immediately.
Chief whip
Chaps, come on. We need to take this
seriously.
Whip 1
Are you sure? Is it even our job?
Whip 2
Somebody google “whips”.
Chief whip
For God’s sake, don’t. That’s how this
all started.
Tuesday
Chief whip
SaturdayyyyAAAprprpppppppppppppppppppppppppril 30 2022 |the times