invest in social measures to reduce crime, or build more
prisons (including private ones run for profit), increase
sentences as a deterrent, and investigate bringing back the
death penalty. Decisions, decisions...LOYAL FAMILY
The game thinks it’s being funny, but during a loading
screen it briefly flashes up the words ‘Giving jobs to
family members’ and, well, that’s exactly what I would
do if I could. What I can do, however, is to give jobs to
those who are the most loyal, so it’s time for a cabinet
reshuffle. I’m not a complete clown, so jobs go to those
with the aptitude for them, but loyalty is the deciding
factor rather than effectiveness. This has the curious
effect of increasing my political capital, so it was clearly
the right decision to make.
There’s a lot of red on the board now, as my budget
cuts and slashing of red tape begins to bear fruit, but one
very green circle remains – food standards. I have enough
capital after my reshuffle to cut it to minimal funding, so I
do it, and farmers and consumers all over the country
rejoice. Clearly time for a party. Later, there are calls for
me to pass a positive discrimination law, which sadly
doesn’t mean all the plum jobs going to my mates. I’m not
having this, the market can decide. Rejected.
Security briefing time! I always like this, as it’s an
opportunity to dress up as a police officer and pretend
the laws apply to everyone. It seems that some group
called the Liberal League is encouraging people to
oppose me. Can that be right? Not very liberal of them.
Clearly a load of extra funding into security services and
surveillance is what’s required. I’ll get the money from
the community policing budget. Also, I’m going to
regulate social media, as that’s where the young people of
the Liberal League are probably swapping their seditious
ideas. I also chuck some money at cycling initiatives, to
please those environmentalists who provide a chunk of
my funding, but do nothing to reduce car use, as
motorists also send lots of cash my way.
A global recession isn’t making things any easier, and
then one of my major donors quits as I’m not being
conservative enough. However, I am perceived as
trustworthy, a strong leader, and compassionate. Then
Argentina plants a flag on the Falkland Islands(obviously British – just look at a map) and I lose 20
‘strong leader’ points. Time for a media stunt. Doing
judo with the SAS seems a bit risky, so I decide to be
photographed while windsurfing. And it’s a huge
success. I am strong leader, hear me roar.FOCUS GROUP
I quickly use my popularity to implement policies to cut
immigration by 1 0%, put tariffs on imports, and remove
the Unexplained Wealth Orders that were making life so
hard for some of my richer citizens. GDP has risen by
12% since I was elected, and the budget deficit falls
every year. I am a huge success – 3 9% of poll
respondents and 5 7% of focus groups agree. So of course
I send troops abroad to secure the oil supply when
asked. After all, something must be done. This is
something. Therefore, it must be done.
A little later, and things are looking excellent. OK, so
schoolchildren are sharing textbooks, I’ve gutted work
safety regulations, and skewed labour laws in favour of
employers, and alcohol abuse is on the rise, but we’re well
on the way to affording an orbital nuclear bombardment
facility, and I think you’ll agree that’s what really matters.
Fracking and oil drilling on our home soil are bringing in
lots of lovely lolly, and the party has attracted a major new
donor. I am intensely relaxed.TOP TRUMPS
Why I couldn’t have lostAn election looms. I should give a
speech. I pack it with anti-socialist,
anti-trade union rhetoric, damning
the poor and praising the rich. And
the youth, of course, come in for a
particular attack. How dare they?
Especially as I’ve recently U-turned
and raised education funding to head
off a skills shortage created by my
immigration clampdown. I’ll fiddle
with the tax burden to punish them,
see how they like that.
An armed group called the Angels
of Heavenly Justice (I recently made
it easier to get hold of handguns to
head-off rising crime) has come to
the attention of my well-funded but
poorly performing intelligence
services. They’re upset about, well,
I’m not really sure. They just seem
upset in general, but they’re more of
a threat than the Liberal LeagueALL OF THESE ROSE DURING MY TENURE
Tourism, demand for oil, currency strength, private
housing, GDP,wages,lifespan, CO2emissions,
corruption, average temperature,healthcare demand,
tobacco usage, and inflation.ALL OF THESE FELL DURING
MY GLORIOUS RULE
Unemployment, violent crime,cryptocurrency adoption, oil
price, immigration, internationaltrade,environmental
standards, earnings among themiddleand lower classes,
business confidence, foreign relations, foreign investment,
overall health, and democracy itself.BELOW: My
intelligenceservices
are ineffective,so
people need to take
responsibility for their
own protection.