KATE MARTIN
BOOKS TO LIVE BY●Mariella Frostrup
Coming out in midlife
needn’t be a drama
WRITE TO
MARIELLA
Got a dilemma?
Email mariella@
sunday-times.
co.uk. Anonymity
on requestQ
For all of my adult life I’ve had relationships with
men, but at the grand old age of 48 I’ve entered
into my first same-sex relationship, with a
wonderful woman whom I met online. I have
never experienced love — or sex — like it but am
terrified of “coming out” to friends and family.
Could you recommend something to ease my
worries about them not accepting me?A
Let me first congratulate you on joining the
burgeoning bunch of women who, as they approach
their fifties, make brave leaps of faith. Although
you’re feeling like you’re out on a limb, it might
surprise you to know that women are more likely to
abandon unhappy partnerships, precipitate divorce and
“come out” in midlife than at any other time in their
lives. Contrary to popular belief, there are some benefits
to maturity: topping the list is the liberation of knowing
what you will and won’t endure, what makes you happy
or sad, and what possibilities exist for you sexually
beyond the boundaries of previous experience.You are way past the insecurity of youth, which
might have held you back from displaying your current
self to the world. I say “current” self to caution you
against making any great statement of commitment to
a new club. Truth is, what you’ve discovered isn’t
necessarily your true lesbian self but just your best self;
where the choices you make are based entirely on your
own fluctuating impulses that can ebb and flow and
change like the weather. Boxing people in is an
all-too-popular pursuit — particularly when it comes
to sexual identity.
What we discover in maturity is that we can be
whomever we damn well please, whenever we please
— and it’s that liberation from definition that gives
life new spice. It may seem as though there are few
benefits to growing older as we gaze in the mirror
looking with despair at skin that resembles a creased
paper fan and bags that start to appear above the eyes,
not just below — but one of them is the opportunity
to say with absolute certainty that “frankly my dear,
I don’t give a damn” ■Wild: A Journey from
Lost to Found
Cheryl Strayed
Atlantic Books, £8.99
At rock bottom after her
marriage ends and following
decades of self-harm in the
form of drugs and infidelities,
Strayed elects to walk until
she finds herself. The story
documents her 1,100-mile trek
along the Pacific Crest Trail
and the self-healing meditation
it becomes. It’s a powerful
inducement to break free of
whatever is constraining you.The Trouble with Women
Jacky Fleming
Square Peg, £10.99
Laughter can definitely assist
in the cause of caring less.
I found this playful satire based
on millennia of patriarchy on
the shelves of the Gay’s the
Word bookshop in London.
Fleming is a gifted illustrator
with a sharp sense of humour.
It begins: “In the olden days
there were no women, which is
why you didn’t come across
them in history books ...” I read
it any time I have a bad day.Oranges Are Not the
Only Fruit
Jeanette Winterson
Vintage, £8.99
An earnest, passionate girl
in an English Pentecostal
community seems destined
for life as a preacher until she
falls for one of her female
converts. You’ll find everything
you need to know about
mustering the courage to
embrace your true self and
live life without fear in
Winterson’s hugely engaging
semi-autobiographical debut.On Earth We’re Briefly
Gorgeous
Ocean Vuong
Vintage, £8.99
An engrossing coming-of-age
story, brimming with small
acts of bravery, about a young
gay Vietnamese migrant
growing up in the US. The title
suggests it’s only in youth that
we are briefly able to be our
authentic selves, but on this
point I think Vuong is wrong:
that sense of devil-may-care
possibility also returns in
late adulthood.The Sunday Times Magazine • 49