44 avenueJANUARY.18
I
f it ever was a truth universally acknowledged that a single
man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife,
it certainly is no longer.
Jane Austen’s opening sentence of Pride and Prejudice
reveals much about what marriage was in Britain during the
Regency period — a way of bringing together a man and woman,
to join together (preferably well off ) families. Since British up-
perclass women of the time could neither work nor inherit, a
good marriage was the only way for their families to assure they
would be looked after. It went without saying that the marriage
was expected to produce heirs (and that unmarried women were
expected not to).
So much has changed since then. The social mores that trapped
many an Austen character in a loveless marriage of necessity have
given way in most of contemporary Canada.
A single man these days may find himself in
want of a husband, or may decide to stay single,
even to rear children on his own. And what of
the wife? It may in fact be she who is in posses-
sion of that great fortune.
Along with those changes, marriage itself has
changed. Marriages, for the most part, start later
and may be less stable in the sense that they have
the option to end in divorce.
That being said, I would argue that all of
these changes have made marriage better and
stronger and weddings more relevant. We’ve been able to keep the
best parts of marriage, while those aspects that forced many to
enter or stay in unsuitable partnerships have been left behind.
In many communities, having sex, living together, owning
property, even having children together isn’t reserved for people
bound by marriage. Changes in laws about common-law marriage
make it clearer and easier for each partner to be protected if the
relationship ends or if there is a medical emergency. And changes
to divorce laws make it easier to end a marriage that no longer
works. Obviously, women are now able to have their own money
and build their own careers and households, so what most women
look for in a partner is someone who primarily supports them not
financially, but emotionally.
All of these things change what marriage is and why people
get married. But the institution itself, along with the weddingceremony, not only continue to carry weight, but are in some ways
more important to those who choose them.
Relieved of so much of the legal baggage that marriage formerly
had to carry, modern marriages are about joining partners who
truly and freely choose to enter the union. For many committed
partners a wedding isn’t important and they are free to make that
choice — leaving those who choose to marry with both a marriage
and a ceremony that they can craft to represent who they are.
And whether or not the wedding has religious or traditional as-
pects, for most people the ceremony has become about the public
declaration of love and support rather than a legal transaction. It’s
a time for two families and two sets of friends to join and celebrate
becoming one. Instead of being the moment after which “you may
now kiss the bride,” weddings have evolved to become about recog-
nizing a union that has already likely weathered
some ups and downs and stood at least a short
test of time.
Part of what’s wonderful about the modern
marriage is its flexibility. It is an institution
strong enough to encompass couples of dif-
ferent religions, sexualities and traditions. It
is strong enough to include couples who have
and don’t have children or have children from
previous relationships. It can stretch to couples
who have been brought together through a
huge variety of circumstances.
All it requires is the people getting married commit to each
other — and they are free to define that commitment themselves.
Far from being “just a party,” weddings are the public declaration
of that commitment. And just as not every couple needs to get
married to commit to one another, not every couple that does get
married needs a wedding.
When my partner and I told my mother we’d gotten engaged
to be married, her first question was, “Why?”
For me, the answer was easy — to take a moment to declare
our commitment to one another and to ask our family and friends
not only to bear witness to that, but also to commit to helping us
live up to the promise we’d made to one another. It was a beautiful
day with the most significant people in our lives, setting us off on
a new, if familiar, path. When we came to the fork in the road,
we chose it together and have continued to ever since.MODERN MARRIAGES
ARE ABOUT
JOINING PARTNERS
WHO TRULY AND
FREELY CHOOSE TO
ENTER THE UNION.Why Weddings
Still Matter