The Times Magazine 5y life has become
a little monotonous.
The same kind of days
roll into the same kind
of weeks, which roll
into the same kind
of months, bustling
and frantic but also
strangely vague, like
a recurring dream in which a 40-year-old
man (me) is alternately haunted by desktop
computers, small children and various bits
of domestic admin. I’ll bump into friends
who’ll ask me what’s new and I’ll draw a
blank. I dunno... I’m convinced supermarket
blueberries are getting smaller? They’ll smile
and nod and then, invariably, remember they
have somewhere they need to be.
Perhaps I should find a hobby. Shake things
up a bit. Right now, my only dedicated leisure
pursuits involve a weekly game of football
and occasionally prodding at old computer
games. But that’s obviously not enough.
For everyone’s sake, it’s probably best that
I expand my me-time horizons. But how?
Well, I’ve been going through some options...Wild swimming
I actually had a go at this the other week, but
I didn’t really get on with it. It wasn’t the cold
so much as the swimming. All the middle-
aged men were in these sleek wetsuits and cut
through the water with the speed and focus
of otters going through tricky divorces. But
I could barely stay afloat. I’ve never been
mega-buoyant, but this was ridiculous. A
lifeguard in a kayak paddled over to check
I was OK. “Fine, thanks. Just going to let the
tide bring me in,” I said, which I thought was
quite a good joke because of course there was
no tide. “OK, great,” she said, before paddling
off. At which point, I did get a bit worried.
Cryptic crosswords
Once a year, usually at my mum’s, I’ll have
a go at one of these. I’ll look at the first clue:
“Hungry penguins caught between mythical
brothers know the way to Bolivian city, not
before time.” And I’ll look at it. And look at it.
And after an hour I’ll ask my mum what the
answer is and she’ll glance at it and go, “It’s
obviously ‘hat’,” and then begin to explain why
it’s “hat”. All said, I prefer dot-to-dots.
Gardening
Older people love going on about how
gardening is “great exercise” and helpsM
MY MIDLIFE CRISIS
HELP! I NEED A HOBBY
Ben Machell: wild swimmer or rock god? My seven pastime options
KATIE WILSON
“keep them in shape”. But if that’s true,
then by rights my gran should look like
J-Lo, so I think it’s just something they tell
themselves to justify their Voltarol habits.
Anyway, it’s too much like agrarian drudgery.
Within three minutes of picking up any bladed
garden implement, I start to feel like Wat
Tyler. I just don’t think it would end well.
Fishing
On the one hand, the concept of “wearing
camouflage while drinking lager in total
solitude” is a compelling one. But on the
other, I find the idea of fondling, squeezing
and fiddling with writhing carp, trout, roach
etc repellent. Call me squeamish if you like.
I don’t care. I’m not one of history’s greatest
fish-touchers, and I’m not ashamed to say so.
Dungeons & Dragons
Recently, my children discovered all my old
D&D stuff and have been getting quite into
it all: elves, goblins, strange-shaped dice, the
whole deal. I’ll admit that it crossed my mind
that this could be my new hobby, particularly
when I was persuaded to run a few games
for my seven-year-old son and his pals. But
then, as I later discovered, you really don’t
want your son’s friends referring to you as
“Dungeon Master” in public. Too many looks
from passers-by, too many questions from
concerned parents. Fair enough.
The guitar
As a man of a certain age who knows
approximately three and a half chords,
I yearn to buy an expensive electric guitar.
I press my face against music-shop windows
like a Dickensian urchin looking at some kind
of hot, steaming pie with single-coil pickups
and a floating tremolo. But I’m always too
embarrassed to go in. It’s all just a bit too...
Tony Blair. I’d feel less self-conscious getting
the bus home with an inflatable sex doll.
Astrology.
Don’t laugh, but I’ve just been reading up
on this and it could be my new thing. You
don’t really have to do anything in particular
other than abdicate personal responsibility
for decisions, actions and events because
of, like, the universe. I’m a Pisces and, well,
I don’t want to sound big-headed or anything,
but that means I’m kind of legend: creative,
sensitive, idealistic, romantic and loyal.
Wow. I should’ve got into this nonsense
years ago. I feel better already. nRead Caitlin Moran on pages 12 and 24If gardening really
is good exercise then,
by rights, my gran
should look like J-Lo